Topaz & Stillman: An '80's Adventure

The Cutting Room, Part 2

• Shoestring TV • Season 1 • Episode 3

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 Episode 3: The Cutting Room, Part 2

The Scoop

A midnight drop. An earthquake on Mulholland. A mystery package, studio trickery, and a surprise visit from Willie’s parents. With Lady Lazarus lurking and the Milano's closing in, Willie gambles everything on a daring plan to save Maury—what could possibly go wrong? 

The Players

  • Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz (Brock Gatling)
  • Jim Fronk as Maury Stillman
  • Rebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus
  • Damon Alums as Rhythm Mercy (Narrator)
  • Lisa Stewart LeBon as Cleo Ames
  • Shaun Scott as Dallas Ames & Tiny Tippy
  • Leslie Grant as Abellonia Suni
  • Eric Carlino as Clifford Moss & Stuey Longbottom
  • Brendan Wreay as Trenton Drake
  • Mitch Leschinski as Audio Engineer & Bear Wrangler
  • Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxon
  • Michael Cunningham as Milano Courier & Announcer
  • Logan Beard as Huey Longbottom

Also Starring:

  • Melrose Johnson as Production Assistant
  • Samantha DeSuze as Concierge
  • Larry Oblander as Gaffer

The House

  • Executive Producers: Terry Briscoe & Jim Fronk
  • Associate Producer: Andy Parkin

The Anthem

"The Willie Strut" performed by Possum Bobby

  • Producers: Robert Lloyd, John Pennington, Bob Harvey 
  • Composer/All Guitars, Bass Guitar: Robert Lloyd
  • Drums: Marcus Graham
  • Post Production, Keyboards: John Pennington
  • Recorded and Mixed at Fahrenheit Studio by Bob Harvey and John J.P. Pennington

The Biz

Concept by Jim Fronk & Terry Briscoe

Created, written, directed & mixed by Jason Beard

SPEAKER_12:

It's midnight. The eve of the delivery has arrived. Lily Topaz stirs in the shadows as he observes intrepidation as Maury Stoon, his manager and friend, walks the abandoned lot of the Cobalt Canine bus station at the corner of 4th Street in Soho in Boyle Heights. Maury finally spots the Milano courier who stands outside the entranceway to the abandoned bus station. The courier's face is bathed in shadow, preventing the stranger's glare from being seen. But Maury can feel it. In spite of every fiber in his being telling him to turn tail and run, Maury approaches the courier with the package in his charge.

SPEAKER_03:

Stop right there. You stillman?

SPEAKER_09:

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's me.

SPEAKER_03:

I assume you're the courier. In a manner of speaking, I'm told you have a message for me. You don't want the package? The message, first.

SPEAKER_09:

Unless I was misinformed. Uh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I I have a message. See here, uh, the Milano niece. She has been cast in the Brock Gatling film. The contract has been drawn up. All she needs to do is sign.

SPEAKER_03:

Excellent. All right. On behalf of the Milano familia, Mr. Milano personally gives his thanks. Now, uh, the package. Here it is. Uh, don't suppose you'll tell me what's in there. Oh, uh, you'll find out. Thank you, Mr. Stillman. With regards from Mr.

SPEAKER_12:

Milano. The courier brandishes a 45-caliber pistol and aims the weapon at Mari, who freezes in fear. The courier turned assassin has Mari dead to rights, but before he can pull the trigger, a second gun leaps out of the shadows and rushes toward Mari.

SPEAKER_20:

Die, Maury! DIE! Maury! No!

SPEAKER_01:

Shoestring TV proudly presents Topaz and Stillman, an 80s adventure, a shoestring TV production. Tonight is episode 3, The Cutting Room, Part 2, starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz, Jim Front as Maury Stillman, written and directed by Jason Beard.

SPEAKER_12:

Twenty-four hours earlier, Maury and Willie arrived at St. Cloud Road, where Maury believes he mistakenly threw the package out of the car window. Instead of his beloved, get charred to pay.

SPEAKER_06:

Stop! Stop!

SPEAKER_02:

Are you sure this is the place?

SPEAKER_09:

St. Cloud Road. I know old Bel Air.

SPEAKER_02:

Do you see it?

SPEAKER_09:

Not yet. Wait, wait, I see it. It was pushed under a tree. Might have been hit by a car or something.

unknown:

Shit.

SPEAKER_02:

Is it still in one piece?

SPEAKER_09:

Sounds like it. That was easy. Are those claw marks?

SPEAKER_02:

I can see that boy. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

SPEAKER_09:

Stay calm. Make yourself hard. Um, this is not a two-time. This because I couldn't say goodbye to a two-bag. Oh, this is no way for a tie. Stop moving. I can feel this breath from my bow tie? What did you say? Hey, wait a minute. The bear has a bow tie. Willie! The bear has a bow tie! A bow tie? Mori, what the hell are you talking about? Tiny Tippy, is that you? You know that bear. Yes, this bear is acting roundy. He's the younger brother of Bart the Bear. It's Tiny Tippy. Uh, believe it or not, he almost signed with me.

SPEAKER_02:

Tiny Tippy? Nothing tiny about him.

SPEAKER_09:

It's ironic. Hey Tippy, uh, why are you out here, buddy? You almost represented a bear. It would have happened too, but he wouldn't agree to my five percent of the back end. Uh, did I agree to five percent of the back end? Uh Willie, uh this is hardly the time to talk money. Wait, Tippy, where's your wrangler, buddy? Ho ho, there you are, my little bear buddy. Looks like you lost your bear. Yeah, yeah, sorry about that. Uh, no offense, but isn't this sort of your whole job? To, you know, wrangle him.

SPEAKER_05:

No argument there, but Tippy's a special breed, a true escape artist. He skips out on us about once a month. A 700-pound black bear that runs away from home. 1100 pounds, but uh, who's counting, am I right? Oh, he's not running away. Trust me, he gets treated better than the Prince of Wales. Tiny Tippy just has an endless curiosity.

SPEAKER_02:

Any chance we've satisfied his curiosity? Some of us need to get some shut-eye.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh, sure. You just have to tell him goodbye. Okay, simple enough. Goodbye, Tippy. No, you have to hug him. This night just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Any chance we could do this quickly? Oh, sure, Willie, no pressure. Let me just give this 800-pound beast a big old bear hug.

SPEAKER_05:

1100 pounds, but who's counting? Uh, this is embarrassing. You just insulted tiny tippy.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh, hey, sorry, big fella. I meant nothing by it. A bear hug is just uh uh the turn of phrase. Come here, you big hairy lug.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, that's a good hug.

SPEAKER_09:

Whoa! What's that smell? Oh man, he's ripe. Oh, he knows. Uh it's part of the dominance thing. The bear who smells the strongest? No, it's in his rider. He only gets bathed every three months. What a prima donna! All right, well, uh, this has been a real pleasure, Tippy. You can say goodbye now. Goodbye, Tippy. Uh-oh, he's waving his paw. Is he waving goodbye?

SPEAKER_05:

No, he's saying something smells.

SPEAKER_09:

Something stinky, boy? What stinks, Tippy? Oh, he's he he's covering his nose now.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, sir. Your uh your backside, uh what? Maury, did you just shit!

SPEAKER_09:

Ha! I mean it's a giant bear. He's terrifying.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep. Uh-huh. After what you put us through, there's no way I'm letting you sit in talent. You're walking home.

SPEAKER_09:

Willie, how!

SPEAKER_02:

Have a heart, will you? Sorry, pal. I've bailed you out enough for one night. You're on your own.

SPEAKER_09:

Willie! Say, Mr. Bear Wrangler. Uh you got any room? Care to give me a lift?

SPEAKER_05:

I got tiny trailer hitched in my pickup. Yeah, there's some leg room in there. Room? In the animal trailer.

SPEAKER_09:

With an 800-pound bear?

SPEAKER_05:

1,100 pounds. But who's counting?

SPEAKER_12:

It's 4 a.m. Willie arrives at his apartment worse for wear, exhausted. He opens the front door, places the mysterious package on his dining room table, tosses the car keys on his kitchen counter, ignores his answering machine, and collapses face first into the bed. Until there's a knock at the door. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Willie storms out of his comfortable bed and stomps toward his front door, the past evening still reeling in his mind. Mari putting his and Willie's life at risk, all for financial gain and Willie's own fate potentially in the clutches of the mafia, all by the hands and at the orders of Lady Lazarus? Lady Lazarus lunges at Willie, ensnaring him in a deep embrace, and then places her lips on his.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, stop it. Just my stage name.

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, I'm well aware.

SPEAKER_02:

So, I have to ask, what is this?

SPEAKER_16:

What is what?

SPEAKER_02:

You making a house call.

SPEAKER_16:

I told you I have a great interest in my investments.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, and is this how you treat all of your investments?

SPEAKER_16:

No, no. Some don't have the perfect shaped ass that you do.

SPEAKER_02:

Got it. So this is just more of a booty call.

SPEAKER_16:

It was fun. But that's all it was. I was curious, and you satisfied that curiosity. With a vengeance, I might add.

SPEAKER_02:

And what if I refused?

SPEAKER_16:

We've been down this road, honey. You didn't stand a chance. I can see you're disappointed. But don't be. If you need to feel it was something special, then know this. I don't need almost any of my investments like this. I'm not as protective of them as I am of you.

SPEAKER_02:

Protective? Like protecting your bottom line?

SPEAKER_16:

You make it sound so cold, so heartless. And how could you accuse me of having no heart? Since you felt it pounding against your chest only hours ago. I just wish.

SPEAKER_02:

Just wish what?

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, it's nothing.

SPEAKER_02:

No, it's okay.

SPEAKER_16:

You can tell me. I just wish I could provide the same level of protection for him. Him who? Your manager, Mari. Nope. Unfortunately, he's made his own bed. Okay, sugar. I gotta go.

SPEAKER_02:

Wait, what do you mean he's made his bed? I thought he was safe as long as we made the delivery tonight.

SPEAKER_16:

You have to understand, Willie. In these types of circumstances, I'm little more than the messenger. There isn't anything else that I can do. I've probably said too much already. Get some rest. Don't let anything stand in the way of making that delivery tonight. That package over there on the dinner table, it must be put in the hands of the courier directly at midnight.

SPEAKER_02:

But Maury, he's my friend. If circumstances for him have changed, I'd like the chance to help him.

SPEAKER_16:

Then you better hope to make it to the drop-off on time. I fear that is the only possible hope you have. You know what? I'm sure he'll be fine. I have to go.

SPEAKER_12:

Goodbye, Willie. Lady Lazarus gently kisses his cheek and then turns from Willie, promptly exiting the apartment. Willie's mind is reeling. He walks over to his dining room table to examine the package meant for delivery with the mafia-employed courier. He places a hand on the wrapper and then, without thought or foresight, Willie rips the package open. He peers inside. His eyes widen and his jaw drops. Willie urgently enters his kitchen and picks up his phone. Meanwhile, back at the Canon Films Backlot on the Brock Gatling set, Mari Stillman awakens in Abalonia Sunnis talent trailer, Sans Wig, posing as his fictional, estranged brother, Barry Stillman.

SPEAKER_11:

Oh, Barry, I must admit, I didn't think I'd see you again. But the way you entered the trailer, so animalistic. Even down to your grizzly-like musk. It left me downright beguiled and transfixed.

SPEAKER_09:

More like uh a black bear-like musk. But yes, my sultry desert breeze. This is the Stillman way. We enchant, we charm, then we bathe vigorously, and then we dazzle and engross. Oof, I'm glad I had the full-size shower installed. Then shall we dirty ourselves so we can partake in the full-size shower once more? Oh, Barry!

SPEAKER_11:

You beast. Yes, who is it? Hey, you know I'm still in character.

SPEAKER_10:

Right, right. Yes? Which uh one are you looking for? Um more than one?

SPEAKER_09:

Let me clear this up, my cactus flower. Uh, I doubt my brother Maury has mentioned to anyone in the set that I'm in town.

SPEAKER_11:

Okay, Black Bear, but hurry back to me, please. Mayways getting hungry.

SPEAKER_10:

Oh, sorry. I thought Maury Stillman was uh Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_09:

I'm his brother Barry, but I can take the message.

SPEAKER_10:

Oh, great.

SPEAKER_09:

It's Mr. Topaz. Wait, he's here? No, on the phone. Here's Mr. Topaz. This is Barry Stillman. How can I help you? I'm I'm very busy.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. Wait. Hold up. Did you? Are you in Babylonia?

SPEAKER_09:

No, I am not. My beautiful brother Barry is. Well, he was, and and he will be again as soon as this conversation is over.

SPEAKER_02:

Maury, I just wanted to say.

SPEAKER_09:

What? What? What do you need to talk about?

SPEAKER_02:

I shouldn't have made you get a rat home with someone else last night. I shouldn't have left you behind.

SPEAKER_09:

Ah man, look, Willie. I put us through a real doozy of a day yesterday. That's what I do. Start with something I think will turn out good, and and then it just turns into a big heaping pile of shit. Right. Uh but only when black bears are involved.

SPEAKER_02:

What is it now? Huh? Oh, someone's at the door. Be right there. Okay, let me see who this is. See you tonight.

SPEAKER_09:

Willie, uh, um, so we're good. You and I.

SPEAKER_02:

Always, Maury. Always.

SPEAKER_09:

See you then.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, Maury. You should definitely call your contact at Ballzack Condoms. I think it's a quality product.

SPEAKER_09:

Um, okay, and how do you know that?

SPEAKER_02:

I'll see you tonight, Maury. Bye. Yes? Can I help you?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh-uh. Uh, are you Mr. Topaz?

SPEAKER_02:

Uh, depends on who's asking.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, I work at the front desk and we got an urgent message from Mr. Topaz.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep, that's me. What's the message?

SPEAKER_00:

It simply says, change of plans. Meet the man in the pinstriped overcoat at exactly 2 p.m. LAX Gate 3.

SPEAKER_02:

Pinstriped overcoat LAX Terminal 3, 2 p.m. Got it.

SPEAKER_12:

Willie arrives at LAX Terminal 3. It's 2 p.m. His eyes probe the crowd, looking for a man in a pinstriped overcoat amongst a sea of travelers. As of what happened, the man wearing the coat would find him.

SPEAKER_08:

Are you Willie Topaz? Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Just answer the question.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, I'm Willie.

SPEAKER_08:

The famous actor, star of Brock Gatling?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I don't know if I'd describe myself as famous yet. Um, I brought the package. Kinda glad to get this over with. Package?

SPEAKER_12:

What package? Wait a minute. Who are you? Willie turns toward the mysterious man and grabs him by the collar to reveal he is actually Dad?

SPEAKER_08:

My boy! So what did you think of my message? Pretty dramatic, right? Dad, I thought you were wait, why are you dressed like that? Fresh duds, right? I was going for a mafia type. Only thing I'm missing is a Tommy gun.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, great suit. Guess the joke's on me. Dad, why are you here?

SPEAKER_17:

Now my son, the busy movie star, is not going to stand there and tell me. He's too busy for his mom and dad. Mom?

SPEAKER_02:

You're both here.

SPEAKER_17:

Clayton, did you actually forget we were coming? Um. I told you we should have phoned first.

SPEAKER_08:

I just figured no matter how high his star rose, he wouldn't be too big for his britches. To make time for his two loving parents.

SPEAKER_02:

You're landing on pretty thick there, Pops.

SPEAKER_17:

Did you really forget our plans, son?

SPEAKER_02:

Of course not. Uh, remind me what they were? The plans?

SPEAKER_17:

You're taking us to Canon Studios to give us a tour of the Brock Gatling set. Then your father will be an extra for a shootout scene you're shooting tonight. Hence his fresh duds. Then tomorrow, a tour of Los Angeles, Malibu, the Sunset Strip, shopping on Rodado Drive.

SPEAKER_08:

Don't forget the giant lobsters at the palm.

SPEAKER_17:

Then finally, lobster dinners at the palm. Does all of this ring a bell?

SPEAKER_02:

Yep. That is the plan, just like we discussed. Uh, now, there may be a few detours along the way, if that's all right.

SPEAKER_08:

As long as it doesn't keep us from my big screen debut or those delicious lobsters, you'll hear no complaints from me.

SPEAKER_02:

Absolutely. So, where are you two staying? I can drop you off and get you checked in.

SPEAKER_17:

Um, you were supposed to have made reservations at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, of course I did. Sure.

SPEAKER_12:

With time ticking away in the dreaded impending delivery fast approaching, Lily races through the 405.

SPEAKER_17:

Is this how one drives in Los Angeles? Can you please slow down?

SPEAKER_08:

Slow down? This coming from a former Olympic gold medal champion of track and field?

SPEAKER_02:

Sorry, Mom. This car is built for speed.

SPEAKER_08:

I must say, this is one fine piece of machinery. Although I've personally found the study of combustion engines to be perfunctory, when one travels in such style in McKee's mode, you can't help but respect the chemical reaction erupting within the chassis. Do you happen to know what lightweight composites were used to enhance aerodynamics? Sorry, Pops.

SPEAKER_02:

I forgot to ask. Next car. I'll definitely make it a point to inquire.

SPEAKER_17:

Where are all the blue skies and sun? It seems so gray. Nothing like I see in the flyers.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, we have plenty of days like that. But it's amazing how quickly the day can turn into one you weren't expecting.

SPEAKER_08:

Whoa, whoa, stop, stop! That's Dustin Hoffman! Wow! Truly astonishing! Celebrities are on every street corner! That's a homeless man, Dad. Are you sure? The resemblance is uncanny.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, pretty sure the Oscar-nominated Dustin Hoffman doesn't eat out of a trash can behind Fat Burger. Even the transients look like movie stars.

SPEAKER_17:

How intriguing. The traffic is ridiculous. How do you manage to get anywhere in this town?

SPEAKER_08:

How can you be so unimpressed, sweetheart? This is the home of Hollywood!

SPEAKER_17:

Glitz and glamour! Look, if smog and vagrance are your idea of glitz and glamour, that Mom, you're sounding a little uppity there.

SPEAKER_02:

You've been here all of five minutes. This city has its charm. You'll be a believer by the end of your trip.

SPEAKER_17:

If you say so, it doesn't matter. I didn't come here to sightsee. I'm just so happy to see my baby boy. And that manager of yours, Mr. Stillman, he isn't trying to lure you in with drugs and parties.

SPEAKER_02:

No. Oh, he trips the light fantastic, no doubt, but he would never risk my health, or let's face it, my looks. I'm his cash cow. And he needs me to move all the way to the bank.

SPEAKER_08:

It deserves to be celebrated. The lineage of good looks you hail from.

SPEAKER_17:

Oh my, just don't forget you're an extra, Mr. Ames. Your son is the one who gets the spotlight.

SPEAKER_08:

I may give you a run for your money, my dear boy, once the director sets his sights on me. At this hour, he'll probably see two of you.

SPEAKER_17:

Is there anyone sober in this town?

SPEAKER_08:

You're looking at him. And uh, what are the uh ladies of Hollywood like?

SPEAKER_17:

Dallas Ames. Don't you encourage your son's philandering ways? Son, what you need is a nice lady. Someone with a strong family background, an independent, a professional, a woman with a good head on her shoulders. What was the name of that young Lyric?

SPEAKER_02:

Lyric Dorsey?

SPEAKER_17:

That's her. She was such an angel. Whatever happened to her?

SPEAKER_02:

We need longer than this bumper to bumper traffic jam to work through that one. But as it would turn out, she's in town and an actress too. Wait, you've seen her?

SPEAKER_08:

Your high school sweetheart? Well, why didn't she join you? And how come you didn't mention that you two were an item?

SPEAKER_02:

That's because we're not. She has a boyfriend, also an actor, a real pretentious type.

SPEAKER_08:

Rhythm Mercy. What on God's green earth is a rhythm mercy? That's his actual name? Doubt it's his real name. Sounds like a rejected Earthwind and Fire member. Who are his parents? Tempo and Pitch Mercy?

SPEAKER_12:

As the traffic begins to let up, Willie begins to. Excuse me, what are you laughing at? Willie's dad. Oh, he has your number. Earthwind and Fire is a highly reputable and successful band. I'm proud to even be tangentially associated with them.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh yeah, I am very familiar, but you ain't one of them, boss.

SPEAKER_12:

I'll have you know I was this close to being a backup singer for one of their recent concerts.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh. Yeah, and what happened? How did that fall through? You seem like, uh, such a shoe-in.

SPEAKER_12:

I just happened to mention that I would require a 365-degree radius of four feet around me to ensure proper acoustics. Huh. I can't imagine why they said no. It was a low point, no doubt.

SPEAKER_05:

Aww, I'll make sure to send my condolences to your parents, tempo and pitch. I'm going to get back to reading now. By all means, we're speeding along.

SPEAKER_12:

Willie Topez arrives at the Cannon Studio Backlog with his parents. He parks in a security-approved backlog parking space and guides his star-gazing parents onto the Brock Gatling set. They are quickly intercepted by Kit Max, the film's director, who has already begun his afternoon personal happy hour.

SPEAKER_21:

Ah, Willie! My smooth block of marble. Look at you. Look at that face. You're so handsome. Oh, is this the Topaz family? Oh my goodness, what a striking menage!

SPEAKER_17:

We're the Ames family, actually. Topaz is our son's stage name. Oh, Ames! Like a Brock Gatling, Ames at the machine gun.

SPEAKER_21:

How sofra dente?

SPEAKER_02:

How are you, Kiff? I'm very proud to introduce to you Cleo and Dallas Ames. As you can see, my father is already dressed for the part of Mafioso 2. Oh, and a menacing, a taller drink of water he is.

SPEAKER_21:

You are so much look at you. Now tell me, Dallas, have you any acting experience?

SPEAKER_08:

Believe it or not, I was quite the precocious 15-year-old and appeared in a very successful string of local commercials out of Chicago as a young lad. You never told me that before. Who were the commercials? Stewie Longbottom Slaw Dogs. Uh say again? Whoa! You were the little boy in the Stewie Longbottom commercials. The one and only Huey Longbottom.

SPEAKER_13:

I don't know what me, but I'm doing all the

SPEAKER_18:

No way! Those dogs were unreal! A real staple of my childhood! Oh man! My clogged arteries and cholesterol count, thank you. Can I have an autograph?

SPEAKER_08:

My autograph? Well, I do aim to please. Son, do you have a pen? Uh there you go. Lord have mercy. Thank you, Mr. Ames. It's a real honor. My pleasure. How about that? Tell me I'm just an extra now. Everyone makes space. Someone's head is getting bigger. You came by your love of acting naturally, my son.

SPEAKER_09:

Wait. Do my eyes deceive me?

SPEAKER_17:

Is that Debbie Allen? Oh now you stop it, Maury. You won't charm me with your lecherous ways.

SPEAKER_02:

Hey, Maury. Any chance you can get these two booked at the Beverly Hills? Yeah.

SPEAKER_09:

I have them in Bungalow 22. A beautiful pigs. Wait. How did you know? One of my spies told me, trust me, buddy. I got you covered.

SPEAKER_02:

We're gonna have to renegotiate on this whole spy situation. But for now, thank you. And your spies very much.

SPEAKER_09:

Mrs. Ames, if you will allow me to escort you, I heard you were fascinated with our wardrobe and costume department. And I've set it up so that you can try on anything you want. Lead the way, Mr. Stillman.

SPEAKER_19:

Mr. Maxon, can I have a word? Ah, yes. What is it, my dear boy? We were all set for the big shootout scene today, but our shipment of stage blood is delayed. We only have around 12 ounces left.

SPEAKER_21:

What about the detrench coat? Is it wired and ready? Oh yeah. It's ready to pop. Okay. So, Willie, my shining beacon, my million-dollar face. It looks like we brought you here to the set for nothing. Mr. Ames, my sincerest apologies. We are going to have to delay your debut. Mr. Drake, what time do we expect the vads of a theatrical blood? By noon. Tomorrow. What? Ay, La Merda. So just to summarize, we have the guns. We have the actors. We have the location. We have the blanks. We have the squibs. But no blood? No blood.

SPEAKER_19:

Just enough for the squid packets, but not for the additional actors or that set itself.

SPEAKER_21:

Uh oh. Life of a director, eh? It's a torturous profession. My advice. Unitelli. Do not get into the movies. Okay, we are not shooting today. I'm off to my turn to my to uh to the place I go when we are not shooting. Arriva Derchit. Oh jeez.

SPEAKER_12:

As the news of the delayed shooting is announced, Willie's thoughts turn to Mari and the impending danger and possible death Lady Lazarus seemed to foretell postcoitus.

SPEAKER_02:

Hold on. Trenton, I think I found a way to save the day. How many guns are loaded and ready? We have three. Any pistols? Yep, two.

SPEAKER_19:

What are you cooking up, Willie?

SPEAKER_02:

Come with me. Dad, looks like you will have your debut after all.

SPEAKER_12:

All packed in the Cannon Studios production band, rolling down Interstate 10 at night. The crew head towards the Cobalt C-9 bus station. The time?

SPEAKER_02:

It's 11:15 p.m. I appreciate you meeting with me on such a short notice, Mossboss.

SPEAKER_07:

It will be the last time if you keep using that nickname.

SPEAKER_02:

Sorry, buddy. I think it's got legs. So, what was a single dad like you do out this late anyway? You actually saved me from a blind date.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, the Mossboss. Looking for a little afternoon delight? My sister set it up.

SPEAKER_17:

And you said we saved you from the date.

SPEAKER_02:

Sorry, Clifford. Let me introduce you to my parents, Cleo and Dallas Ames.

SPEAKER_07:

It's a real pleasure to meet both of you. Your son is my prized pupil, and dare I say, my friend. We've heard nothing but positive feedback about you, Moss Boss. You're right. That nickname isn't going anywhere.

SPEAKER_09:

Okay, now that we're all one big happy family here, a couple of questions. First, Will, why did you force me to wear this coat?

SPEAKER_02:

Considering we have one chance to get this right tonight, I wanted to ensure you made a good impression.

SPEAKER_09:

Certainly. I'll buy it. And and why is Trenton Drake following us? No offense to him, but I don't see how having someone as trigger happy as Trenton will help this drop-off go smoothly.

SPEAKER_02:

Keeping Trenton's role close to the vest for now.

SPEAKER_09:

Okay. Okay. And why is the Moss boss here?

SPEAKER_07:

I was about to ask the same thing. Not that I'm complaining.

SPEAKER_02:

Moss, my dad here has some acting experience, but it was way back when he was a kid.

SPEAKER_09:

So, the silent era.

SPEAKER_02:

Watch it, Mari. He'll be uh shooting a scene tonight, and I was hoping you could get him into character. It wasn't that long ago. If you say so. Anyway, I need you to work on his performance. My performance? Dad, you're going to be a mafioso type background extra. How'd you like to actually have a line or two? Who knows? Maybe it will be enough to get your sag card. I already have my sag card. Wait, what?

SPEAKER_09:

Willie, stay on track, please.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, right. Um, sorry. Anyway, moss boss. Think you could turn my dad into a gangster slash hitman?

SPEAKER_07:

Hey, it's me, the Moss Boss. See? It's catching on. So what type of gangster are we talking about here? James Cagney from Public Enemy, or more laid back with an undercurrent of menace? Marlon Brundle's style from The Godfather. Well, I was thinking.

SPEAKER_08:

Actually, I got this all worked out. Oh, do you? I was born in Chicago, and so was Al Capone. Scarface himself.

SPEAKER_02:

Hmm. That's a great name for the title of a movie. Someone should make that one day.

SPEAKER_17:

So, Dallas, I'd love to hear a little of your Al Capone rendition.

SPEAKER_08:

Okay, okay. Ready. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun, see?

SPEAKER_02:

This is why the moss boss is here. What? No good. Willie, how much time do I have? It's uh 1120 now. The delivery, uh I mean, the scene will be at midnight. Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_09:

Willie, you're not turning this life and death situation into a scene for Brock Gatlin.

SPEAKER_02:

Maury, just trust me.

SPEAKER_08:

Whoa! Look at that! It's Richard Gere! He's driving a taxicab? Dad, that's just a taxi driver. This town is fascinating. Everyone is beautiful. The competition must be fierce.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, we're approaching Moholland Bridge. Moss boss. Go ahead and work your magic. We have about 30 minutes.

SPEAKER_07:

Okay, Mr. Ames. What is something that makes you really angry? Oh, easy.

SPEAKER_02:

Did you hear that?

SPEAKER_09:

Yeah. Sounds like something Apollonia and I may have implemented when we were doing the no pants dance. Please spare us.

SPEAKER_17:

Oh, I can solve this mystery. Dallas, what device did you happen to smuggle with you this time? Oh, that's right.

SPEAKER_08:

It's a prototype for a portable seismometer. I'm fascinated with the plate tectonics in California. Ow, a seismeter. Doesn't that detect earthquakes? Precisely, Mr. Stillman. Very good. Uh does that mean we're having an earthquake right now?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, well, um, oh shit.

SPEAKER_15:

What?

SPEAKER_02:

Shit. Everyone okay?

SPEAKER_09:

Uh yeah, even my hair's still intact.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, I'm very relieved to hear it.

SPEAKER_07:

Mom, Dad We're fine, son!

SPEAKER_17:

All in one piece.

SPEAKER_07:

Willie? Will the van start? We need to get off this bridge.

SPEAKER_02:

Damn it. The ban is totaled. We're gonna have to go on foot. Everybody, out.

SPEAKER_09:

Shit, I hope they don't take this out of my per diem.

SPEAKER_19:

Willie. You all okay?

SPEAKER_02:

Hi, Trenton. Glad to see you made it. Do you have any room in your ride?

SPEAKER_19:

Sure. Hop in.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, well, everybody run.

SPEAKER_12:

As the Moleholland bridge crumbles apart piece by piece. The grid breaks toward the end of the bridge before they plumb it to the ground below.

SPEAKER_09:

Everyone hold on to something!

SPEAKER_12:

A section of the bridge really is running when it breaks apart and he loses his grips in the package.

SPEAKER_18:

I lost the package! It's gliding away! I got this. Will wait! Will you go mom? Keep moving forward!

SPEAKER_04:

Oh man, I love this song! Oh hot damn would you look at that? Hey Tiny Tippy, we know those guys, right? Bumped into them last night. Isn't that right, Tippy? Hey, Tippy! Ah, goddamn it, not again.

SPEAKER_12:

The group are only a few yards away from the bottom of the bridge. They frantically run that photo as the Mulholland Bridge disappears.

SPEAKER_19:

Hey guys!

SPEAKER_12:

What is it, Drake?

SPEAKER_19:

Not to alarm anyone, but uh it would appear we have a bear and a bow tie chasing us, huh? And a bow tie.

SPEAKER_08:

Holy shit, it's an actual bear!

SPEAKER_12:

Alice Ames jumps into Cleo's arms. She puts her strut into high gear.

SPEAKER_09:

What'd you do to piss this bear off again? Well, I mean, we simply had a brief but strongly worded disagreement in this trailer.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, let's hope he can't jump over tall objects. Everyone, jump.

SPEAKER_09:

Poor tiny skippy.

SPEAKER_02:

Just be glad you didn't sign him. Okay, people. We have about 10 minutes before delivery. I need everyone to follow me and buck it.

SPEAKER_12:

It's midnight. The eve of the delivery has arrived. Willie Topaz stirs in the shadows as he observes intrepidation as Maury Stillman, his manager and friend, walks the abandoned lot of the Cobalt Canine bus station at the corner of 4th Street in Soho in Boyle Heights. Maury finally spots the Milano courier who stands outside the entranceway to the abandoned bus station. The courier's face is bathed in shadow, preventing the stranger's glare from being seen. But Maury can feel it. In spite of every fiber in his being telling him to turn tail and run, Mari approaches the courier with the package in his charge. Be ready with the remote emulators.

SPEAKER_02:

We lost them in the earthquakes, and there should still be a sufficient car in the world.

SPEAKER_07:

And you remember the line we came up with? Your goal is to handle pure menace. Oh, I will have menace coming out of my ears.

SPEAKER_02:

I'll take that as an affirmative. Sounds like we're all safe. Willie? Excellent. Okay, everyone, stay alert and wait for my cue.

SPEAKER_12:

Willie breaks radio contact and notices his mom is giving him a disappointed stare.

SPEAKER_17:

What is it? You may have all of them fooled, but you don't fool me. You just better hope this plan of yours works out the way you think it will.

SPEAKER_02:

Trust me, it can't go wrong.

SPEAKER_12:

Please don't go wrong. And just as Willie utters those words, it would appear to go very, very wrong, as the courier employed by the Milano Crime Family points a gun directly at Maury Stillman. With regards from Mr. Milano.

SPEAKER_15:

Okay, Dad. Go, go!

SPEAKER_12:

Without warning, another man aiming a gun emerges from the shadows. The courier is caught off guard. Mari is too.

SPEAKER_20:

Die, Maury! Die!

SPEAKER_12:

The courier, unsure which side this mysterious gunman is on, ducks behind the wall and looks on in stunned silence.

SPEAKER_09:

Whoa! What the hell? Mr. Ames, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_12:

Before Mari can inquire further, Dallas Ames, dressed as a gangster, fires the pistol. Mari doesn't feel a bullet penetrate his skin, but that doesn't stop the coat he's wearing from bursting forth with powerful splatters of copious blood. It dawns on Mar instantly. He must appear to be blown to pieces. It must be witnessed that he dies.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh, please let my desert rose abalemonia know. There was plenty more where that came from. Oh, my sweet, sweet friend Willie. We sure had some good times. Maybe not in the last 48 hours, but I before that, plenty of great times. Oh to my strange father, an uglier twin brother Mary. What can I say? It's like I never knew you. It's almost as if you never existed at all.

SPEAKER_15:

He's really doing this.

SPEAKER_12:

The carrier slowly stands to his feet and watches as Maurice Stillman lay on the ground, still soaked in his own blood.

SPEAKER_15:

Mr.

SPEAKER_19:

Topez, threatened to stay off radio. Sir, Mr. Stillman's wig! What? It's coming off! He must have loosened it when it collapsed.

SPEAKER_12:

Shit. As the courier holsters his weapon and begins to leave the scene, his attention turns to the hair on Maury's head and watches in disbelief as a gust of wind sends the apparently deceased manager's hair flying like a tumbleweed.

SPEAKER_03:

What the shit? That's not Mr. Stillman. He has gorgeous feathered hair, and uh this man is uh what uh he's bald.

SPEAKER_12:

The courier approaches Mari, who remains on the ground, seeping fake blood as he continues to pretend to be dead on the ground. The courier removes his gun from the holster and aims at Mari once more.

SPEAKER_03:

An imposter!

SPEAKER_12:

Shit! With preternatural speed and lightning quick reflexes, Cleo aims, rushes the courier, and knocks the gun out of his hand.

SPEAKER_17:

Take that, you son of a bitch!

SPEAKER_12:

Before Cleo can safely leave the scene unharmed, the courier latches onto her ankle and she stumbles to the back top below. The courier rises, retrieves his weapon, and now it is Cleo.

SPEAKER_20:

Mom! No! Who the hell are you?

SPEAKER_12:

The courier escapes within an inch of his life, torn and tattered, and missing one hand.

SPEAKER_06:

Tiny Tippy, boy, did you save the day?

SPEAKER_09:

That's okay, buddy. Uh I'd give you a high five, but it would appear you've had your fill of hands for the day. Friends?

SPEAKER_02:

Mom, Maury, Dad, everyone okay?

SPEAKER_08:

Just okay. Son, this has been the most incredible vacation we've ever had. We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. Since I was a boy, I've dreamt of being a gangster, being part of a shootout, that you were also able to procure the most realistic animatronic bear I have ever seen is truly a marvel to behold.

SPEAKER_12:

Dad, that was a real bear. Dallas promptly jumps into Cleo's arms again.

SPEAKER_09:

So, uh what did everyone think? What did we think of my performance? Hello? The death scene! My boss. What do you think? Do I have a future?

SPEAKER_07:

Um, have you heard the expression chewing the scenery? There is something to be said for less is more. Mr. Stillman, sorry about the wig.

SPEAKER_19:

It was last minute.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh no, I forgot.

SPEAKER_09:

Morris Stillman. Oh, who would have thought? Look away! Shun me, all of you! I'm hideous. I'm hideous.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, thanks everyone for your help tonight. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get out of here.

SPEAKER_09:

Wait. I have to know what was in the package.

SPEAKER_12:

Mari retrieves the package which had been dropped on the ground during the chaos and confusion. He finds the handwritten note containing instructions to end his life. It reads Kill Mari Stillman. He's the one with the amazing hair.

SPEAKER_09:

Whoa! So they were going to kill me anyway. Whether I fulfilled the request or not.

SPEAKER_02:

I wasn't gonna let that happen.

SPEAKER_09:

Which is why you made sure I wore that coat and set up this whole scene to make it look like someone else got to me first.

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly. If you were already dead, there was nothing they could do.

SPEAKER_09:

Ah, thanks, my friend. You literally just saved my life by killing me.

SPEAKER_17:

Um, not to break up this nice moment, but why is the bear doing that?

SPEAKER_08:

Yes, he's covering his nose.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, Maury. And that's my cue to leave. Oh, guys, come on.

SPEAKER_09:

Hey, guys! I'm literally on a hit list! I think that earns a little slack, huh? Or at least an adult diaper.

SPEAKER_12:

It's now 4 a.m. Willie's parents were dropped off and were finally able to enjoy the comforts and luxury of the Beverly Hills Hotel. Mari returned to Abalonia's trailer for who's kidding? We're all trying not to picture it. And our hero, Willie Topaz, opens the door to his apartment exhausted and weary. He makes a beeline for his bed and lands face first into the soft pillows below. And then his phone rings.

unknown:

Again.

SPEAKER_02:

Seriously? Hello!

SPEAKER_16:

Hello? Hello there. Lady Lazarus? I thought that you'd like to know that despite the dramatic scene on display last night and the mauling of the courier's hand, Mr. Milano feels his desires were met. You and Mr. Stillman are free from any further obligation.

SPEAKER_02:

Really? Oh, I could finally breathe normally. We both know I have you to think.

SPEAKER_16:

Me? What did I do?

SPEAKER_02:

You were the one that hinted at Maury's potential fate, which led me to taking a peek at what was inside the package. Don't play coy. You wanted me to know. Dare I say, I think you wanted me to help Maury.

SPEAKER_16:

I wanted to protect my investment. I realized that something tragic happening to Mr. Stillman would ultimately impact you. Being as inseparable as you both are. And I couldn't let that happen.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm not certain how often you hear this. In a sincere and genuine way, but thank you.

SPEAKER_16:

Then I'll say genuinely that you are welcome. Ta-ta for now, Willie Topaz.

SPEAKER_12:

Happy trails, my lady. Willie hangs up the phone. He lays on his back, smiling, and slowly, calmly, drifts into slumber.

SPEAKER_08:

Until you're going to be able to do that, you can do that.

SPEAKER_09:

At all.

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