Topaz & Stillman: An '80's Adventure

The Dutch Angle

• Shoestring TV • Season 1 • Episode 4

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The Skinny

Willie Topaz just landed the condom deal of the decade, but there’s no time to celebrate—because in The Dutch Angle, Hollywood is about to tilt sideways.

 

While Willie preps for steamy reshoots with his long-lost love Lyric Dorsey, a ruthless Dutch studio boss named Gale Lanzing (aka “The Duchess”) recruits Rhythm Mercy to sabotage Brock Gatling from the shadows. 


Meanwhile, Maury’s world is shaken by the arrival of his scheming sister Rosie and Abellonia’s brutal encounter with Hollywood ignorance. 


A fake fire marshal, a shut-down set, and one pitch-black lair later, Willie and Lyric are tied back-to-back in the dark… with something else lurking just out of sight.


The Scene Stealers

  • Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz 
  • Jim Fronk as Maury Stillman 
  • Damon Alums as Rhythm Mercy 
  • Mitch Leschinski as Audio Engineer 
  • Mike Cunningham as Show Announcer
  • Diamandi Devereaux as Lyric Dorsey 
  • Samantha DeSuze as Gale Lanzing 
  • Katie Jostock as Rosie Stillman 
  • Leslie Grant as Abellonia Suni 
  • Shaun Scott as Freddie Balzac 
  • Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxon & Robert (AD)
  • Larry Oblander as Brown Derby Byron & Casting Director
  • Eric Carlino as Dean (Producer)
  • Marisa Conway as Margie
  • Melrose Johnson as Administrative Assistant
  • Emily Fry as Adrian


The Dream Team

  • Executive Producers: Terry Briscoe & Jim Fronk
  • Associate Producer: Andy Parkin


The Banger

"The Willie Strut" performed by Possum Bobby

  • Producers: Robert Lloyd, John Pennington, Bob Harvey 
  • Composer/All Guitars, Bass Guitar: Robert Lloyd
  • Drums: Marcus Graham
  • Post Production, Keyboards: John Pennington
  • Recorded and Mixed at Fahrenheit Studio by Bob Harvey and John J.P. Pennington


The Game


Send us a text

Concept by Jim Fronk & Terry Briscoe

Created, written, directed & mixed by Jason Beard

SPEAKER_18:

Balzac Condo features a revolutionary mix of polyurethane and lamb skin, a natural feel for her ultimate pleasure. So if you're put off by pulling out, take it from me, Willie Topaz. Treat your lady to the light and make it a Balzac night tonight.

SPEAKER_15:

Out of sight, my man! Willie, you are a natural. Everyone here at the Balzac Headquarters in Shaft, California is completely impressed.

SPEAKER_14:

What did I tell you, Mr. Balzac?

SPEAKER_18:

I'm also a very satisfied client.

SPEAKER_15:

This may seem premature, but well, I'm too excited to make you wait. We want to extend to you a firm offer with an exclusive one-year contract with the potential for an extension after the first six months. I mean, six months. Are you kidding? Where do I sign? On the dotted line, my man.

SPEAKER_14:

Hold up, hold up. This is all very exciting, but uh there's a a question of the dollar sign and how many zeros follow it.

SPEAKER_15:

Mr. Topaz, you've chosen your representation well. We wouldn't want you to uh drop your load until the time is right. I think you'll both be pleased with this amount. And that is a Freddy Balzac Garonti.

SPEAKER_14:

Willie! Sign the fucking dotted line!

SPEAKER_15:

Post ace!

SPEAKER_14:

You don't have to tell me twice. Wait, wait, wait, wait. One stipulation. He gets a lifetime supply of Balzac condoms and a 1% piece of the propylactic pie.

SPEAKER_15:

Lifetime supply can certainly be arranged. We can agree to the 1% at the time of the six-month extension, provided we've seen the expected growth.

SPEAKER_14:

You're about to see some unexpected growth right now. Hello? Sign it!

SPEAKER_15:

Done and done. Welcome to the Hallzack Condoms Family, Mr. Topaz. Adrienne will see you out. Y'all can use the backdoor. We will fax you a copy of the finalized contract just as soon as our lawyers have had a look-see. I don't know about you, but this just feels so nice.

SPEAKER_14:

What did I tell you? A perfect fit. Just like your condoms.

SPEAKER_17:

Right this way, gentlemen.

SPEAKER_15:

Oh, oh, oh, please. Take some Jimmy Hotloo packets on your way out. A new warm and jelly formula with testing now. I'd love to get your uh professional feedback. Ah, don't mind if I do.

SPEAKER_14:

Ah, you were absolutely bitching in there, my man. Hey, this one was all you. Thank you, Maury. Well, don't thank me too soon. Uh this is all but guaranteed you won't be riding bareback for the next 10 years.

SPEAKER_18:

Well, at least for the next six months.

SPEAKER_14:

Oh, shoot! What? What happened? I forgot to leave my business card. Uh, you know, rookie move. Hey, uh, uh, why don't you go warm up Town while I mosey my way back in there and leave them my card? Uh, just going to officially establish myself as a sycophant.

SPEAKER_17:

Mr. Balzac, Mr. Stillman is here to see you.

SPEAKER_15:

Again? Oh, well, please bring him in. Bring him in. Mr. Stillman, he's ready for you. Okay. I'm coming. Oh, and I'm sure you are, Mr. Stillman. It's an occupational hazard around these parts.

SPEAKER_14:

Uh, uh, uh, uh, good one. Hey, uh, um, here's my card if you uh ever need to speak about anything. Now, you know how to get a hold of me.

SPEAKER_15:

Thank you, Mr. Stillman. Uh, Adrian, can you add this to our Rolodex, please? Is there something else, Mr. Stillman?

SPEAKER_14:

Uh, yeah, so uh, you know how the Balzac condom product line seems to only cater to those uh uh Adonises, the the uh extra, extra read-all about it, mammoth-sized stallions out there?

SPEAKER_15:

I believe you are looking for the term colossal. And yes, I am vigorously aware.

SPEAKER_14:

Right, right, right. Well, uh, I was wondering if you had any uh in your candle that were um, you know, uh, less colossal for uh for uh I'm afraid not, Mr.

SPEAKER_15:

Steelman. If you want one of those, I would suggest going to your nearest pharmacy. I'm sure they'll have what someone of your miniature stature would require.

SPEAKER_14:

Well, no, hey, hey, hey, hey, pop the brakes. I never said miniature. Uh uh there are a number of ladies who have been completely satisfied.

SPEAKER_15:

Mr. Stillman, I am an erect and very busy man, as you full well know. Is there anything else? Uh do you validate parking? Hell no!

SPEAKER_00:

Shoestring TV proudly presents Topaz and Stillman, an 80s adventure, a shoestring TV production. Tonight is episode four, The Dutch Angle, starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz and Jim Frunk as Maury Stillman. Concept by Jim Frunk and Terry Briscoe. Created, written, and directed by Jason Beard.

SPEAKER_13:

But right in the heart of Tinseltown. Something only a few Hollywood insiders knew at the time. It's a power play coming from a small but influential up-and-coming Netherland-based movie studio called Good Morgan Studios. A studio well funded by connections to the Dutch monarchy. Good Morgan Studios was ran by a tough as nails movie executive named Gail Lansing. Gail's goal.

SPEAKER_04:

Yes, Mrs. Lansing? Brian! Look, look. You call this coffee? Um, i it's Byron, actually, and no. It's what Johnny's coffee shop calls coffee. It's actually in their name.

SPEAKER_11:

Well, aren't you cute? Brian.

SPEAKER_04:

Byron, actually.

SPEAKER_11:

Byron, you say.

SPEAKER_04:

Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_11:

Tell me, Byron, what is uh Johnny's coffee known for?

SPEAKER_04:

Uh that they brew it extra hot? Let's test that, why don't we? Um test it how?

SPEAKER_10:

So, tell me, Brian, does Johnny's coffee pass musta? Miss Landing, will you be in need of another production assistant? Yes.

SPEAKER_11:

And contact our attorney in case that motherfucker tries to sue like the last one.

SPEAKER_10:

Is that Zphile? Yes, ma'am. Everything on Canon Films and all of their projects currently in development.

SPEAKER_11:

Perfect. Are you going to hand it over or do I have to turn Jedi and use the force?

SPEAKER_10:

Oh, sorry. Here you go. Will there be anything else?

SPEAKER_11:

No.

SPEAKER_10:

Just tell me when my next appointment arrives. Of course. Oh, and may the force be with you.

SPEAKER_11:

Ha! Okay, not bad, not bad. Now get the hell out of here. Okay. Hmm. Okay. Let's see. Canon studios. Oh, they are right for the picking. They're betting big on this leg flick. Our eggs lead down this one road. Hmm. Villy toppers. And some muscular. Groovy name. Charismatic. The camera loves him. Okay, he stays. But this mighty staleman fella? Hmm. What a snickle. Sorry, Marty. Willie is moving to new representation. Left in the dust with only that perfect head of hair of yours. Who's this?

SPEAKER_10:

Margie. Yes, Miss Lansing? Keith Maxon? What is that? Sounds like the name of an old whaling ship.

SPEAKER_11:

No, it's a person. The so-called director of the Brock Gatling film. Okay. Never heard of him. Kind of my point. See what you can find out on him, won't you?

SPEAKER_10:

Totally. Oh, your next appointment is here. Should I send him in? Yeah, please. I want to know everything you found on this kiff, my tomorrow. Totally.

SPEAKER_11:

She can see you now.

SPEAKER_13:

So, you are the one they call Duchess.

SPEAKER_11:

Some moron heard I'm half Dutch and coined the name for me. And you are the actor known as Rhythm Mercy. Your reputation precedes you. Have a seat.

SPEAKER_16:

Whoa! Hold the fucking phone. You were actually. You were actually in league with the Duchess. The notorious Hollywood movie executive who would later go to prison for extortion, money laundering, embezzlement, tax evasion, and even murder. The one and the same. Come on! How bad did you hate Willie Topez? I mean, what did he ever really do to you? That is a whole other book. But the Duchess, come on.

SPEAKER_13:

Look, I'm sight being 2020, and in my defense, none of her crimes were public knowledge when we teamed up. That wouldn't come until later. Even the phrase teaming up is inaccurate.

SPEAKER_16:

Maybe an accessory after the fact.

SPEAKER_13:

She hired me based on the beef I had with Willie. Nothing else.

SPEAKER_16:

Sure. Just a simple, innocent beef. You know what? I need to take a leak. I'll be back in five.

SPEAKER_13:

Hey, I'm good to go here. Let's keep rolling.

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, yeah, we will. I'm just gonna grab some popcorn and take my seat in the front fucking row. I can't wait to see how you fuck this one up.

SPEAKER_13:

Although the film brought Geckling's six smoking barrels would go on to worldwide acclaim and box office success upon its release. Back in 1981, the fledgling film was beset by a series of production delays. Kiff Maxim, the movie's intrepid director, gathers the cast and crew to make an announcement. The Italian filmmaker and the cast and crew had no idea what this day would bring.

SPEAKER_02:

Ladies and gentlemen, it is your beloved director, Keefe. If I could have your eyes and your ears, I get no respect, even on my own movie set. Give me that. Everyone listen up my precious ear holes.

SPEAKER_05:

What's shaking, Kiff? How are you hanging?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, abalonia. Mappicelli is a shriveled like a frightened Taratoga whose head can barely squeeze out of his shell. Afraid to take even the smallest peak outside because he is so petrified by fear. Sorry, I asked. Oh, Danazione, I am so fraught with angst and unbridled rage. Should you lower your eyes towards my trembling nether region? Even Matoto Cogliones have a sought refuge inside me, nestled against my naval. Yep.

SPEAKER_05:

This has become my deepest regret.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, where is he? Where is my man of marble?

SPEAKER_18:

Kiff, did you call for me?

SPEAKER_02:

Ah, my sweet Wheelie! You are so chiseled! Your skin is so soft in the God. Look at you. Kimara V. Come sit next to me. A little closer. I have a news that you all must hear. What is it, Kiff?

SPEAKER_18:

Something wrong?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, this is the part of filmmaking that I despise. The business part of it. In my humble opinion, the business has no business being a part of the business of making movies business. But alas, we have some notes from the executives. I Peter the Fifth.

SPEAKER_18:

Notes? What do they say?

SPEAKER_02:

They have reviewed the dailies, and although they are very happy with the results, there is one element of the film that is missing, according to them, which will result in uh some reshoots.

SPEAKER_18:

Reshoots? If this can't be, I put my heart and soul into my performance. Raw and unfiltered. As an artist, as a star of this picture, as someone who is seeking artistic truth, I vehemently oppose.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh wow! I have never loved you more than this moment, you beautiful man. So who's with me? Let's take the fight to them. Yes, yes, let's fight. Ah, my loins, they are beginning to unfurl as we speak. I will let the lyric Dorsey know that her talents will not be needed after all.

SPEAKER_18:

Whoa, what? Lyric? Romance. Keefe, after some deep soul searching, I think these reshoots are an absolute necessity to ensuring not only the success of this picture, but its integrity.

SPEAKER_02:

Are you sure? I must admit, the fight? It felt right. Kiff, we're both artists. We don't do this for the fame or the money.

SPEAKER_18:

Or the women.

SPEAKER_02:

Definitely not for the women.

SPEAKER_18:

We do it for the love of it. Because it's all we know how to do. We can't do anything else.

SPEAKER_14:

Hey Willie, uh, I just heard lyric. Your long-lost, unrequited, wannabe girlfriend in high school sweetheart will be rejoining us for some reshoots. Hey, now's your chance.

SPEAKER_02:

Mori. Ah, so lyric Dorsey. And you used to be uh how you say a flame, eh?

SPEAKER_18:

Hey, Kiff, all that stuff I said, I still meant it.

SPEAKER_02:

Seriously, I think no, no. Oh, trust me, I understand exactly what is going on here. Pince K you see a stupido. You think you could pull the ship's wool over my donkey eyes, don't you? Donkey eyes? Uh, kugh. I wasn't trying to fool you. Ah, ladies and gentlemen, do you see what it is happening here? We have the opportunity to merge both life and art. Willie will be reunited with his unrequited love. The beautiful, sweet, shapely, lyric torse by way of a proc Gatling, in which life will become art, and art will make a passionate, brutal love with life. The reshoots must commence.

SPEAKER_13:

While Willie looks forward to future scenes with his long-lost love lyric Dorsey, his manager, Maury Stillman, pursues an unexpected but welcome coupling with actor Abalonia Sumi. She has since learned of Maury's ruse imposing as his imaginary brother, Barry.

SPEAKER_05:

I'll admit, Maury, I was pretty steamed when I found out you were just pretending to be your estranged brother Barry Stillman. And then even more peeved to find out that he was just a figment of your imagination. All because you're too vain to accept the fact that you're bald.

SPEAKER_14:

Well, uh, when you put it like that, it sounds kinda harsh.

SPEAKER_05:

But then the more I thought about it, what we had formed was something special and real. The only thing that wasn't real was the name Barry.

SPEAKER_14:

And this rug on my head.

SPEAKER_05:

And the toupee. But you see, that's a bonus. I get the best of both. Worlds, Maury, and sometimes that chrome dome lover Barry.

SPEAKER_14:

And then the wig Trenton had made for me.

SPEAKER_05:

Right. And the wig.

SPEAKER_14:

And then, of course, uh, I did fake my own death.

SPEAKER_05:

Maury, are you trying to talk yourself out of me forgiving you?

SPEAKER_14:

No, no, no, no. Uh, rewinding back to chrome dome lover. I I hadn't thought of it that way. Uh, two for the price of one. I love a good deal. So, we're good, you and I?

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, we're good.

SPEAKER_14:

Okay, well, wish me luck. Right, you have that audition today. You'll do great.

SPEAKER_05:

Thanks, baby. I really want this one. Being Japanese American, the roles for me are few and far between. Especially in terms of being able to show my range. Maybe I shouldn't complain. I've made a good living, but I didn't get in the industry for money or the fame. I love being an actor. And that also means being able to show my versatility. I'll always be grateful for the gift of being able to play the role of Maywei. She serves the Brock Gatling story well, but she's just one note. But the role in this new gig would really give me the opportunity to spread my wings.

SPEAKER_14:

Just as long as that's all they ask you to spread.

SPEAKER_05:

Shush, my big bear. I'm all yours, no need to be jealous.

SPEAKER_14:

Well, then I send you all the luck in the world. I have no doubt you'll knock it out of the park.

SPEAKER_08:

Ugh, dear god, gag me with a spoon.

SPEAKER_13:

No, it can't be. Maury turns anxiously towards the familiar and antagonizing voice, only to face his worst fear has come true.

SPEAKER_08:

Hey there, big brother. Ugh. Just when I thought you couldn't be any more grody, I walk in on that spectacle. Look, off me out.

SPEAKER_13:

It's Maury Stillman's younger sister, Rosie Stillman.

SPEAKER_14:

Rosie! My younger sister! What brings you to LA? And whose dumpster did you crawl out of this time?

SPEAKER_08:

Just arrived. I seem to remember a certain favor you owed me, big brother. And I'm here to collect.

SPEAKER_13:

Back at Gooden Morgan Studios, Gail Lansing sizes up the budding actor Rhythm Mercy.

SPEAKER_11:

Tell me, Mr. Mercy, what do you want out of life?

SPEAKER_13:

Fame and fortune, like anyone else.

SPEAKER_11:

From what I've heard, your motivations are more personal.

SPEAKER_13:

And what have you heard?

SPEAKER_11:

That you consider yourself a great dissector this side of Brando, and you want anyone and everyone to know that.

SPEAKER_13:

To say that I am accomplished is an understatement. I'll grant you that. Comparisons to Brando, however, are a personal affront.

SPEAKER_11:

Am I to understand you feel your talents surpass Mr. Brando's?

SPEAKER_13:

Those are your words, not necessarily how I would put it, but yes.

SPEAKER_11:

And yet, the reason you took this meeting extends beyond your need for validation, does it not?

SPEAKER_13:

Why do you think I accepted your invitation?

SPEAKER_11:

Because more than anything else in this world, you despise Willy Topas.

SPEAKER_13:

Yes.

SPEAKER_11:

You abhor what he's been able to achieve in his career thus far.

SPEAKER_13:

Yes.

SPEAKER_11:

And you stop at nothing to prevent any further ascension. You'll stop at nothing to see him fail. Yes. Then you are the right man for the job. But I have to know why do you hate him so?

SPEAKER_13:

We have a long and storied history. That's all I wish to say.

SPEAKER_11:

If that is where your candor stops, then perhaps you will be content with my own lack of transparency. I have my reasons. It is what it is. If you can be comfortable with that, then I think we can become quite useful to each other. At the end of the day, you will be handsomely rewarded. Will that suffice?

SPEAKER_13:

Not so fast.

SPEAKER_11:

Yes?

SPEAKER_13:

In terms of the p reward.

SPEAKER_11:

I'm listening. You have only about to ask.

SPEAKER_13:

I'll say it plainly then. If I do what you ask and all this chicanery goes to plan, then I have only one condition.

SPEAKER_11:

And what is that?

SPEAKER_13:

I want to replace Willie Topaz in the starring role of Brock Catlin. The Brock Getling reshoots are underway with cast and crew making final preparations for the scene. Willie arrives on the set where Lyric Dorsey is discussing the character of chemist with the director, Kif Maxon. Here I am, Kif, reporting for duty.

SPEAKER_02:

Ah, Willie, my solid block of granite, my statue of David, except with too many clothes on for now. I was just discussing the scene with your former lover, Mr. Dorsey here. Oh, we were just friends, Kif.

SPEAKER_18:

Good friends. Uh, from high school.

SPEAKER_17:

Yes, Willie. Where on earth would he have gotten that idea?

SPEAKER_02:

It's a mystery to be sure. Okay, let's get down to business, yes? So, our diabolical antagonist, Nether Zen, has called in the chemist to inject our handsome sexual hero, broke a garling with the least other dose of poison. But the nether is suddenly called away to deal with other forms of villainy. Hence, it postpones the poisoning of our titular hero, and therefore Brook must be imprisoned. Mr. Dorsey, instead of injecting him, you will follow him back to his cell, and there will begin the romance, you see, as a love affair will emerge. Hot and steamy as a spatula on a frame pan. Yes? And this will ultimately see the chemist changing sides, helping a Brock Gatling escape and falling in love with him in the process. Unfortunately, once Neatro becomes aware of the escape, he initiates a self-destruct sequence of the entire lair, which will only give Brock precious minutes to escape. But not before he and the chemist share a final but lasting kiss goodbye. A kiss?

SPEAKER_18:

Uh this all sounds perfectly believable to me. Lyric, when do you want to rehearse?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. You two discuss how you plan to make your mouths merge into one momentous montage of a swapping spit and the probing with your tongues, okay? Um a kiss? Yes, yes. Now, let's get you both into costume and own your marks, and then we will discuss the white hot flame your passions will ignite.

SPEAKER_08:

Delish. What's uh what's your dish called again?

SPEAKER_14:

Well, it's it's huvos rancheros, and it's become like my signature dish.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, and these mimosas. Yum.

SPEAKER_14:

Well, I'm glad you've enjoyed your brunch. Uh, consider the favor repaid. Now, Rosie, let's get down to brass tacks. Why are you here? And who are you carning out of a dime this time, huh?

SPEAKER_08:

Ugh, ye of little faith. Can't I just show up unannounced wanting to see my big brother? Just to catch up, reminisce about the days of your the salad years, the um old Lang sign.

SPEAKER_14:

Ha ha ha ha. Right. And, uh, and Go ahead. Spit it out. See? This is why I can't stand having you around! You throw me off my game. I can spout off a cutting quip with the best of them. But then you come to town and I'm all like, uh.

SPEAKER_08:

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_14:

Uh, I'm uh.

SPEAKER_08:

Take your time. Damn it! I know. And it's a beautiful thing to behold.

SPEAKER_14:

How could mom, god rest her soul, have given birth to offspring who were so categorically different? I'm convinced she had two vaginas.

SPEAKER_08:

Well, not that different, you and I.

SPEAKER_14:

Oh, contraire, Mom Frere.

SPEAKER_08:

Uh, doesn't frera mean brother?

SPEAKER_14:

So, is this the purpose of your visit? To deprive me of the last few natural hairs I have on my head before I pull them all out?

SPEAKER_08:

Okay, okay, okay. I've made you squirm long enough. I'm here because, as hard as it is to admit it, I see that you're doing pretty well for yourself. Like, in a legitimate way. You're actually successful. Oh, wait, I think I'm gonna throw up.

SPEAKER_14:

Go ahead. At least I'd have a good reason for leaving.

SPEAKER_08:

Uh, sorry. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to pay you a compliment.

SPEAKER_14:

Heh, if it's easier, just paid for lunch. I'd be okay with that. Or let me guess, you're broke again.

SPEAKER_08:

Temporarily, but with a new investor on board.

SPEAKER_14:

Investor? You know what, Rosie. It was great to see you, but uh, maybe it's time to go back home. Dust off the law books and go try being a lawyer again.

SPEAKER_08:

Ugh, a lawyer?

SPEAKER_14:

Yeah, weren't you some sort of legal savant?

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, but the law was so boring. I just want to earn an honest day's work.

SPEAKER_14:

You honest?

SPEAKER_08:

Come on. Are you gonna help me or not?

SPEAKER_14:

Uh, excuse me, waiter. I'll take the check. Now, you want help? Here's a train ticket back home.

SPEAKER_08:

A train? You couldn't even spring for Pan Am.

SPEAKER_14:

Sorry, little sis, but hey, your journey starts here. Don't let the door of the brown derby hit your ass on the way out. Be seeing ya. Oh, more! Jesus! You're like if a leech in a vacuum decide to have some horrific mutated baby!

SPEAKER_08:

Wait, I don't get it.

SPEAKER_14:

It's a leech. It's a vacuum. It means you suck big time.

SPEAKER_08:

Tell me something, big bro. Does your new little lady love know your deep, scary secret?

unknown:

Ha!

SPEAKER_14:

Nice drive, Rosebud.

SPEAKER_08:

Don't call me that.

SPEAKER_14:

Sure, sure. She knows about this piece. In fact, everyone does. And she thinks it's a bonus. She can take me with or without hair. Can't get enough of it, in fact. Now, if you'll excuse me.

SPEAKER_08:

Uh-uh, Maury. I meant your other secret.

SPEAKER_14:

You wouldn't dare!

SPEAKER_08:

Mm-hmm. I would double and triple dare if I had to. Say, what is the meal between lunch and dinner?

SPEAKER_14:

Uh, I don't think there is such a thing.

SPEAKER_08:

Well, whatever it's called, you're buying. Time to discuss the exciting new opportunity you're going to invest in.

SPEAKER_14:

Oh, damn those huevos rancheros.

SPEAKER_13:

While Maury Stillman is being hustled by his babysitter at the Brown Derby, Abalone Sunny has arrived at the Endeavor Media Studios on Sunset Boulevard for an audition and casting car.

SPEAKER_09:

Okay, Miss Sonny. Welcome to Endeavor Media. Come on in. Oh, uh, it's actually pronounced Sunny. Okay. Everyone, this is Miss Sun Yi. And she's here to read for the role of Hannah.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh okay. Um, you uh sorry, what's your first name, honey?

SPEAKER_05:

Abalonia.

SPEAKER_03:

Lovely. Okay. Abalonia, whenever you're ready.

SPEAKER_05:

I couldn't see the sunrise today. I woke up and it was morning, but the sky was gray. I could hear the airliners overhead, their distant droning, but I couldn't see them passing through the sky. Everywhere I went today, my work, the diner around the corner, the bus home. Every place was shrouded in this murky fog. I could hear the voices beyond the wall of despair, but couldn't find the door to let them in. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. Uh wow. Well, that was something. Um, Dean, what are your thoughts?

SPEAKER_01:

Hey, Dal, that was really groovy, but do you think you could do it with a little more uh authenticity? Whoa, uh authenticity? Well, Hannah, she's Japanese.

SPEAKER_05:

The sides described her as being Japanese American. She was born in New Jersey.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, but well, couldn't you play her a little more uh I don't know, uh, like a like a shogun type. Shogun?

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, people love that hop sing from Bonanza. Uh maybe try something like that, huh?

SPEAKER_09:

Hop hop sing soon ye excuse me. We need the sides. You're walking off with endeavor media property.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, oh, well, okay, here's what I think of your Endeavor Media property and my last name is Suny Fucking bonanza.

SPEAKER_13:

Willie and Lyric have been brought to set and asked to sit on their marks. In the reshoot, both Brock Gatling and the chemist have been restrained and bound together in the underground lair, their backs facing each other. In such close proximity, Willie can't help but feel his heart pounding. The prop master enters the set to tie the actors up.

SPEAKER_12:

You okay, Willie? You're looking a little blush. No, uh, no, no. Never been better.

SPEAKER_18:

Just ready to get shooting.

SPEAKER_12:

Okay. Gonna tie you up now. Which one of you wants to go first?

SPEAKER_18:

Uh, hey, I wanna feel like I'm really trapped down there, so don't hold back. What do you think, Lyric?

SPEAKER_17:

Hey, you're number one on the call sheet, so let's do it.

SPEAKER_12:

Right. Okay, so you're going full method. Let me know when you feel the pinch.

SPEAKER_13:

While Lyric and Willie get into character, the local fire marshal arrives and enters the Canon Films production office with unfortunate and dire news. Uh hey, why don't we take a break? What do you say?

SPEAKER_16:

Hey, what's up? Why did you stop? We were almost done for the day. Why are you stalling?

SPEAKER_13:

Look, I'd rather not read this section. At least not now. Um, uh how about we maybe move this to the end? What did you do, Mr. Mercy? While Lyric and Willie get into character, the local fire marshal arrives and enters the Canon Films production office with unfortunate and dire news. Hi there. I'm Fire Marshal Eugene Billingsley.

SPEAKER_11:

Fire Marshal?

SPEAKER_13:

Oh dear. Yes, oh dear indeed. Tell me, do you have a movie that is in active production on the back lot today?

SPEAKER_05:

Yes, the Brock Gatlin movie.

SPEAKER_13:

It's uh I need to speak with the director of the film immediately. Can you call him for me? Fire Marshal Eugene. It may not have been my finest moment, but the performance itself was quite convincing.

SPEAKER_19:

Uh Mr. Maxen, sir, can I have a word? A word? Uh I don't want to cause alarm, but but there's a fire marshal at the front office, and and he wants to speak with you about some safety violations? Fire marshal? Safety violations? No idea, but this seems serious. I'd get up to the front pronto.

SPEAKER_13:

With KIF addressing the safety violation concerns at the production office, much of the crew have been instructed to exit the back lot, leaving Willie and Lyric alone on the set of Nedazane's lair. It is in this moment, with the business of movie making no longer a distraction, that the two would-be lovers begin to reminisce.

SPEAKER_17:

This is really something. Are you sure you didn't orchestrate this whole reshoot business?

SPEAKER_18:

Whatever do you mean? Nothing could be further from the truth.

SPEAKER_17:

I suppose we are overdue for a talk. A real one.

SPEAKER_18:

Uh oh uh talk.

SPEAKER_17:

Who would have thought? From the very first time we met each other? Me with my pleated skirts and pigtails and you with your braces. What were those things? They look more like the jaws of life had been welded in your mouth.

SPEAKER_18:

They were actually one of my dad's inventions.

SPEAKER_17:

They were a little horrifying.

SPEAKER_18:

Damn. Let me tell me how you really feel. Is that what you thought of me?

SPEAKER_17:

No. Behind all that metal, I still thought you were very cute.

SPEAKER_18:

Lyric Dorsey? What would your mother think?

SPEAKER_17:

My mother agrees. She's quite the fan. I can't tell you how often she asks, now, whatever happened to that Clayton Ames?

SPEAKER_18:

No, she doesn't. Well, thank you, Mrs. Dorsey. It's nice to know you're in my corner.

SPEAKER_17:

You almost lost your spot when you changed your name. Took her a minute to get over that one.

SPEAKER_18:

Please let her know. It's just my stage name. I'm still that skinny boy with grotesque braces named Clayton Ames from Belmont Street. I'll pass that along. So, what does she think of your current boyfriend? Rhythm Mercy. Ah, reader of slam poetry and the extra large shades.

SPEAKER_17:

Oh, now you stop that. Well, it's still a new relationship, honestly, and I've been very guarded and protective when it comes to my mom and my own heart, so I haven't gotten around to bringing him home yet.

SPEAKER_18:

Uh, I see. Is she even aware that you two are an item?

SPEAKER_17:

She's aware I'm talking to someone.

SPEAKER_18:

How did you two begin talking?

SPEAKER_17:

Why? Does it seem like such an odd pairing?

SPEAKER_18:

No comments.

SPEAKER_17:

No, seriously. What do you think? Your opinion matters to me. My honest opinion is.

SPEAKER_18:

I don't really know him. He's different, I'll say that. But you like him, so he must have some redeeming qualities.

SPEAKER_17:

He's a brilliant actor. I've never met someone so passionate about the art of performance itself. And he's got the knowledge to back it up.

SPEAKER_18:

How did you two meet?

SPEAKER_17:

We were both auditioning for the same commercial. It was my first time auditioning for anything, and he could tell that I was really nervous. He took me under his wing and gave me a great pep talk. He took care of me.

SPEAKER_02:

How sweet. Oh, shut up. No, no, shut down. Figlio de putana. We are making art here. Do you comprehend that, Mr. Marshall?

SPEAKER_13:

It's Eugene, and I understand that if you ignore these flagrant violations, you won't just have the movie shut down temporarily. You'll have your own private version of the Hindenburg. Then, no more movie. Period. The Hindenburg? Yes. Give me 24 hours to do a full inspection. Check for faulty smoke detectors, ensure proper storing of extension cords, collect any obstructed fire sprinklers. Think of all the lives you'll be saving. Saving lives?

SPEAKER_02:

Like Brook Gatling himself, eh? Uh Roberto.

SPEAKER_19:

Go for Robert.

SPEAKER_02:

Shut it down the movie. Shut it all down. Get everyone off a set immediately.

SPEAKER_19:

Oh shit! Yeah, okay, Roger that.

SPEAKER_13:

Thank you, Mr. Maxon. Thank you.

SPEAKER_17:

Don't get me wrong. I know rhythm can rub people the wrong way, and he can be very pretentious.

SPEAKER_18:

Uh just don't settle for less. That's all I'm saying. You deserve the very best in a partner.

SPEAKER_17:

No, I appreciate that. I'm being cautious.

SPEAKER_13:

Willie pauses, and with a deep breath, he finds himself unable to contain the emotions that had been quietly growing for years. It was time to finally express them.

SPEAKER_18:

I have to admit, the day you showed up on set seeing you for the first time after all these years, it took my breath away.

SPEAKER_17:

Willie, that is so sweet.

SPEAKER_18:

It's hard to explain it. But uh you never left my thoughts. Always there at the edges. Well, you didn't just outright preoccupy my mind altogether. And yet, seeing you for the first time on the movie set, even though you were dressed as this chemist who was going to poison me, I stood in amazement at the beautiful woman you've become.

SPEAKER_17:

Willie, I have to come clean about something. It was no coincidence that I wound up on the set of Brock Gatling. I really campaigned for this role. I heard about it and found out that you were attached. And then to find out that you were the star, I knew I had to see you.

SPEAKER_13:

Lyric?

SPEAKER_17:

Willie.

SPEAKER_13:

Damn it!

SPEAKER_18:

I shouldn't have gone full method. I I can't get untied.

SPEAKER_17:

Neither can I. Just our luck, right?

SPEAKER_13:

Well, I won't let that ruin the moment. Willie closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, intent on salvaging the significance of the moment. He decides he'll say what he had hoped to express in replace of a kiss. Willie opens his eyes and inhales with the intention of laying his feelings bare.

SPEAKER_18:

Lyric. I've spent too many nights with regrets. And I won't let this night in without you knowing I love.

SPEAKER_13:

And then the power goes out.

SPEAKER_17:

Did the power just go out? Where is everyone?

SPEAKER_18:

Seems like a blackout. Uh hello! Is anyone there? Hello!

SPEAKER_17:

Hey! Hello! You have two of your actors still in here! Where is everyone? Sorry. I guess we just waited out. Anyway, what were you saying before the lights went out?

SPEAKER_18:

Oh, um, I was just gonna say that for the longest time. The fuck? Hey!

SPEAKER_00:

And that's a wrap on tonight's outrageous episode of Topaz and Stillman, an 80s adventure, starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz, Jim Front as Maury Stillman, Damon Allen as Rhythm Mercy, Mitch Leczynski as Audio Engineer, Diamondi Devereaux as Lyric Dorsey, Samantha DeSouze as Gail Landing, Katie Jostock as Rosie Stillman, Leslie Grant as Abilonia Suny, John Scott as Dallas Ames, and Freddie Balzac, Mike Pelletier as Kif Maxim, and Larry Oblander as Brown Derby Byron. You can find the full cast list in the show notes because somebody spent hours typing that, and we respect their struggle. What more soda flavors nobody asks for? Capri Sons That Never Puncture on the first try, Slurpees bright enough to be seen from space, and commercials starring actors who were absolutely not sober? Support us at patreon.com forward slash shoestring TV and keep the chaos rolling! Or look for us anywhere you listen to podcasts! And don't touch that dial! Episode 5, Cheer Ruskerho hits harder than the slow-mo roundhouse kick delivered by the man in acid wash jeans. I'm Mike Cunningham saying Thanks for listening.

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