Topaz & Stillman: An '80's Adventure

Chiaroscuro

• Shoestring TV • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Episode 5 – “Chiaroscuro”

The Lowdown

In this episode of Topaz & Stillman: An 80s Adventure, we jump between past and present as Maury’s first childhood deli heist with his kid sister Rosie sets the tone for a life of hustle—and trouble. In 1981, Willie and Lyric are literally tied together and accidentally abandoned on the Natyr Zane set just as Rhythm Mercy, posing as “Fire Marshal Eugene,” shuts down the Brock Gatling shoot with bogus safety violations, spectacular chaos, and a one-way ticket to jail.

With the production now at risk of being stolen by ruthless exec Gale “The Duchess” Lanzing and her powerful Dutch-backed studio, Willie, Maury, Kiff, Rosie, and slick attorney Chet Laskey team up for a desperate counterplay—armed with a stolen keycard, a tip from a burned ex–P.A., and an unexpected encounter with Freddie Balzac and his dangerously charming niece, Salem Minte. 

The Roll Call

  • Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz 
  • Jim Fronk as Maury Stillman & Fire Marshal Eugene (Real)
  • Damon Alums as Rhythm Mercy & Fire Marshal Eugene (Fake)
  • Mitch Leschinski as Chet Laskey, Esq. & Audio Engineer 
  • Mike Cunningham as Show Announcer
  • Shaun Scott as Freddie Balzac & Dallas Ames
  • Marisa Conway as Salem Minte & Margie
  • Diamandi Devereaux as Lyric Dorsey 
  • Samantha DeSuze as Gale Lanzing 
  • Katie Jostock as Rosie Stillman 
  • Lisa Stewart LeBon as Cleo Ames 
  • Leslie Grant as Abellonia Suni 
  • Derek States as Curly (Stillman #1)
  • Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxon, Robert (AD) & Silvio Provenzano
  • Larry Oblander as Brown Derby Byron & Casting Director
  • Brendan Wreay as Frank
  • Eric Carlino as Dean (Producer)
  • Robb Smith as Police Captain Drummond
  • Melrose Johnson as Deputy


The Dream Team

  • Executive Producers: Terry Briscoe & Jim Fronk
  • Associate Producer: Andy Parkin


The Banger

"The Willie Strut" performed by Possum Bobby

  • Producers: Robert Lloyd, John Pennington, Bob Harvey 
  • Composer/All Guitars, Bass Guitar: Robert Lloyd
  • Drums: Marcus Graham
  • Post Production, Keyboards: John Pennington
  • Recorded and Mixed at Fahrenheit Studio by Bob Harvey and John J.P. Pennington


The Game



Send us a text

Concept by Jim Fronk & Terry Briscoe

Created, written, directed & mixed by Jason Beard

SPEAKER_12:

A small brick deli sits on a corner. The faded awning reads Frank and Vinny's since 1939. A hand-painted sign in the window says, No loitering. That means you, Maury. Inside, a stocky clerk, Frank, 60s, suspicious mustache, glares at the door like it owes him money. A dusty TV in the corner plays a Cubs game. The shop is quiet. Too quiet. A lanky 14-year-old Maury Stoneman, slickback hair, too much swagger, peers around the corner like a kid raised on the sting. At his side is Rosie Stonem, Tim, wearing a cub's cap three sizes too big and eating a popsicle like it's part of her plan.

SPEAKER_15:

All right, Rosie. You remember the plan?

SPEAKER_14:

Yeah. Ice cream, you steal the meat.

SPEAKER_15:

Not just meat. Prosciutto, Capacola. We're doing your maid this time. So, fancy jail food when we get caught. Think positive, kid. We're still bans. Drifts in the blood.

SPEAKER_14:

Hey, don't call me kid. You're like three years older than me.

SPEAKER_15:

Which makes me the brains of the operation.

SPEAKER_14:

What does that make me? The muscle?

SPEAKER_15:

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_08:

If by muscle you mean a malnourished 10-year-old with black teeth.

SPEAKER_14:

Oh, you're gonna pay for that one. I won't be paying for anything if you don't get into position.

SPEAKER_12:

Rosie pushes the door open. The bell above jingles. Frank eyes are like a hawk that's already had a few run-ins with this bird.

unknown:

No loitering.

SPEAKER_14:

I ain't loitering. I'm browsing a fine selection of sandwich crafts.

SPEAKER_05:

Why do I smell blue?

SPEAKER_12:

Before he can answer his own question, Rosie lets out a blood-curgling scream.

SPEAKER_14:

Rut! Rat! The size of a baby in a pickle barrel!

SPEAKER_12:

Frank jolts into panic, knocking over a box of Twinkies as he runs to the back.

SPEAKER_16:

Not again! Veddy, get the broom!

SPEAKER_12:

As Frank disappears, Maury slides in like a practiced con artist, wearing sunglasses and carrying a brown paper bag like he's just here for milk.

SPEAKER_15:

Speed, style, and salami.

SPEAKER_12:

He zips behind the counter, grabbing sliced meats with the efficiency of a raccoon in a buffet. A single sausage drops with a thump. He freezes. Rosie peeks over the counter.

SPEAKER_14:

You're slowing down, grandpa. It's the humidity.

SPEAKER_15:

My reflexes get damp.

SPEAKER_00:

Where's the rat?

SPEAKER_14:

But you get rid of the popsicle? What? This? No, this is a contendency plan. Contingency?

SPEAKER_15:

Well, you better start continuency real fast.

SPEAKER_12:

More in this. Rosie tosses her Google Pops popsicle like a smoke pop. Split on the floor. Then slips and hits the million with a loud oof. Rosie burst out of the front door. The two kids duck into a narrow alley. Maury triumphantly holding the bag of loot like a holy relic.

SPEAKER_14:

You realize one day you're gonna try this and get caught, right?

SPEAKER_15:

If I do, I'll just talk my way out of it. That's what I got this for.

SPEAKER_14:

What? The gift of gab? Nah.

SPEAKER_12:

Young Maury pulls from the bag a pack of Twinkies.

SPEAKER_15:

Bribery, yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

You ever pull off your first heist before you lost all your baby teeth? No? Well, that's what separates me from you and the rest of the civilian population. That was me and Rosie. Summer of 54. She screamed about a rat that didn't exist. I stole lunch meat like it was the crown jewels. And Frank the Deli guy developed a lifelong distrust of small children and half-eaten giggle pops. We weren't bad kids. We were just enterprising, resourceful, a little allergic to rules, also extremely hungry. Some kids had lemonade stands. We had a black market maloney operation. Oh god, I missed those days. Oh, and also that prosciutto was unreal. And there are things I don't miss at all.

SPEAKER_00:

Shoestring TV proudly presents Topaz and Stillman, an 80s adventure, a shoestring TV production. Tonight is Episode 5, Chiroscaro, starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz and Jim Front as Maury Stillman. Concept by Jim Frunk and Terry Briscoe. Created, written, and directed by Jason Beard.

SPEAKER_12:

Literally, and left behind as Rhythm Mercy, in full fire, Marshall Cosplay storms the production. With a clipboard full of bogus violations and the swagger of a man who once inspected a fog machine, he shut the whole movie down on safety concerns. None of which are even remotely real.

SPEAKER_07:

Damn it, I guess they're really gone.

SPEAKER_18:

I wonder if something happened. I mean, what if there is an emergency?

SPEAKER_07:

Well, I hope someone realizes that we're MIA and comes looking for us. But if this is the end of the world, there's no one I'd rather be with.

SPEAKER_18:

Oh, Willie, you've gotta stop being so sweet since we can't do anything about it.

SPEAKER_07:

How can I stop? It's just who I am.

SPEAKER_18:

Oh now you're laying it on a little thick. Over there in the corner. Do you see it?

SPEAKER_07:

Where? It's very dark.

SPEAKER_18:

Unless my eyes are playing tricks on me, I swear I see a battle axe.

SPEAKER_07:

Uh yeah, I see it now. It can't be real, right? That has to be a prop.

SPEAKER_18:

Unless you have a better idea, I don't think your charm alone is gonna cut this rope.

SPEAKER_07:

No, no, you have a point. And so does that axe. A really sharp one. Now, how to get over there?

SPEAKER_18:

I don't think the chairs are bolted to the floor. If I recall from prom, you have some rhythm. Follow my lead. On three. One, two, three. Okay, not bad. Not bad. Just get in a rhythm and repeat. Nice job. Yeah, we gained an amazing inch in progress. Every inch is progress.

SPEAKER_07:

I just prefer not to do this for the next three hours.

SPEAKER_18:

It's not how long it takes, it's the repetition.

SPEAKER_07:

Are you trying to say that size doesn't matter?

SPEAKER_18:

Willie.

SPEAKER_07:

Did rhythm tell you that? Oh, now you'd be nice. Well, we can at least attempt to go faster. Hop up and down, quickly. Go.

SPEAKER_12:

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the soundstage, deep backstage, nestled between fake walls, forgotten props into suspiciously large pile of sandbags. Rhythm Mercy, currently abusing his fake fire marshal credentials, catches sight of something that freezes his blood and boils it all at once. There, in a shadowy corner, are Willie and Lyric Dorsey, in very close proximity. Too close. Uncomfortably close. Their heads bobbing in perfect sync, rhythmically, suspiciously. There's sweat, there's breath, there's motion. It's either an impromptu CPR demonstration or something that could get flagged by network sensors. He reacts. Like a man possessed by chaos of cheap ladder fluid, he strikes a cigarette ladder and holds it high, like the statue of Petty Liberty right under the sprinkler. The ceiling explodes into a waterfall. Weeks fly. Someone's lunch floats by in a Tupperware coffin. Meanwhile, rhythm stands soaked to the bone. Grin locked in place like a drenched god of sabotage. While in his blind glow of moist triumph, he takes a clumsy step.

SPEAKER_09:

I mean, I mean, it serves you right. What were you thinking?

SPEAKER_12:

I thought I had caught my lady love in an extremely compromising position. From my vantage point, you would have done the same.

SPEAKER_10:

Oh, uh yeah, a compromising position you created. They wouldn't have been left alone if you hadn't joined up with the Duchess.

SPEAKER_12:

Well, the relationship between the Duchess and I would be short-lived.

SPEAKER_06:

Is this the freak? Yes, yes, officer. This is the guy. Bastardo Puchardo.

SPEAKER_16:

What's your name? Mama? Is is that you? Okay, he took a tour of the floor with his forehead, souvenir included.

SPEAKER_15:

We found this, Captain. Looks like his real identification.

SPEAKER_16:

Ah, Rhythm Mercy. Nice name. Definitely not Fire Marshal Eugene. No, no, I I am Eugene. You know how I know that, Mr. Mercy? Because this is Fire Marshal Eugene. Hi there. Get him out of here. Let Mr. Mercy rest his head in the holding pin.

SPEAKER_06:

Hello?

unknown:

Hello!

SPEAKER_16:

Wheelie?

SPEAKER_06:

Oh, my precious alabaster! I am a coming, Wheelie!

SPEAKER_12:

Kiff and the police captain rush onto the neighbor's Ain set to find Willie and Lyric tied up and completely drenched.

SPEAKER_06:

Ah, my man of marble. You are so uh vulnerable and uh and glistening right now. Um, are you all right?

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, Kif. We're fine. Just need to be untied. Can you help with that?

SPEAKER_06:

Did that son of a bitch do this to you? Officers, please free him. Deputy, help cut them loose.

SPEAKER_18:

Uh, what about me?

SPEAKER_06:

Oh, yes, uh, free both of them, I guess. Let's go, boys.

SPEAKER_18:

Thank you, Captain! Wait, Captain! Have you taken Mr. Mercy away yet?

SPEAKER_16:

No. That freak show is standing right over there. But be warned, he's temporarily disconnected from the mothership. Took a nasty spill.

SPEAKER_12:

Lyric walks over to Rhythm who remains dazed and did handcuffs. Willie follows closely behind her.

SPEAKER_18:

I trusted you, Rhythm. Despite all the warnings from others, I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

SPEAKER_12:

I'm sorry. But please, don't tell me that it's now you and him.

SPEAKER_18:

Uh oh. You've lost the right to know. You aren't entitled to anything about me anymore. Goodbye, Rhythm.

SPEAKER_12:

Lyric turns away and leaves the backstage locked. Willie and Rhythm now stare face to face. This isn't over, Mr. Topaz.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, when you get out of jail, whenever that is, I'll be right here waiting for you. Until then, I got a movie to make. Captain, we're done here.

SPEAKER_06:

Let's go, Mr. Mercy. Oh, Willie. That line. I wish I had been filming it. Now, now, you are not the only one who is.

SPEAKER_12:

Willie steps into the front office of Canon Studios. Across the lobby, Lyric sits slumped in a vinyl chair, a damp towel draped over her shoulders like a surrender flag. She doesn't look up. She doesn't need to. And for the first time, Willie sees her not as this fierce starlet, but as someone who's just been through a war she didn't sign up for.

SPEAKER_07:

You okay? Can I do anything for you?

SPEAKER_18:

No. No, thank you, Willie. It means the world to me that you're here. My closest friend.

SPEAKER_07:

Of course. I I mean, I'm here. Whatever you need.

SPEAKER_18:

Then I hope you'll understand if I just ask for some space. I hope that doesn't sound harsh.

SPEAKER_07:

Nope. No, I I understand. Just let's make a promise. We don't let too much time pass this time.

SPEAKER_18:

I promise. Plus, I don't think KIF will let us spend too much time apart. Sounds like we will have some reshoots in our future. But until then, goodbye, Willie. For now.

SPEAKER_07:

Bye, Lyric.

SPEAKER_06:

Ah, amore non corresposto. The most delicious tragedy of all. There he stands. Willie Topez, a man made of the tightest fitting genes, and a desperate hope. And there she sits, Lyric Dorsi, stripping in regret, and studio-issue towels. Oh, he loves her like a man loves a forbidden biscotti. Fragile, sweet, and already claimed by another's mouth. But Fate. Ah, Fate is a cruel screenwriter, yes. She gives them a chemistry. But no shared calendar. Even as he walks away for the final time, shoulders are slumped like an underbudget crane rig. We feel it. That egg. That moan stuck in the chest. Because unspoken love, my friends, is like a deleted scene. Beautiful, pointless, and everyone's a favorite. I am so sorry, my friend. Perhaps it is time to truly move on. Yes? And uh maybe to set your sights uh elsewhere.

SPEAKER_12:

Willie takes heed of that advice, but not by moving forward, but rather by peering backwards into the past, to the very beginning of his love affair with Lyric. Back to the time she first broke his heart. Dunbar High School, Washington, D.C., early 1970s, where bell bottoms roamed free and the ledge room spaghetti had the consistency of damp regret. 17-year-old Clayton Ames, future action movie hero, was just another teen in line, eyes on the prize. Salisbury steak, lukewarm peas, and a treasured carton of chocolate milk. But fate, that slippery cafeteria witch, had other plans.

SPEAKER_01:

Oops, sorry. Hi, I'm Lyric. Sorry about your milk. Aren't you able to say something? Um, is it uh sorry for saying so, but are those braces?

SPEAKER_20:

Um well, um my dad invented these Ames mandibles by Ames Innovation, masterminding and designing since 1935, copyright 1964, 14 utility patents pending.

SPEAKER_01:

So is that a yes?

SPEAKER_20:

Uh uh, yeah, that's a yes. Good one.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. So uh do I get to learn your name? Or will I just call you Mr. Mandibles?

SPEAKER_20:

Uh oh, me? Clayton. Clayton Ames.

SPEAKER_01:

Nice to meet you, Clayton.

SPEAKER_20:

Um will you marry me?

SPEAKER_12:

What you gross young Clayton is so overcome with embarrassment and humiliation that he drops his tray of food and races out of the cafeteria. Tears burst from his eyes as he leaves the school grounds. This would last for another 28 minutes as he ran all the way home. Through the front door of his house and into his bedroom where he collapses face down in the bed.

SPEAKER_21:

Was that Clayton? What's that, dear? Our son is home from school? He is, but it's only 11 a.m. My loving husband, Dallas Ames. Do I even want to know what it is you're doing in the bathroom right now?

SPEAKER_04:

Um, probably not. But I can assure you it is for the greater good of all mankind.

SPEAKER_21:

Mm-hmm. Well, can you pause helping mankind to go see what is troubling our son?

SPEAKER_04:

Now, my darling dove, you know I'd do anything for you and Clayton. But this may be at the most inopportune time.

SPEAKER_21:

Dallas, I have to get back to school. I just came here to pick up my lunch and then heading right back to work. Need you to handle this one. Okay.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay. I'll be out in just a few minutes. Son, what's wrong? Why aren't you in school? I uh I I don't want to talk about it. Is it the Ames mandibles? Did someone make fun of you? No, surprisingly. Although I wouldn't mind just moving to regular braces. Nonsense. The mandibles will correct your teeth in half the time. Okay, Dad, if you say so. Now, son, you know you can talk to me about anything. Whoa, Dad, did you Oh, son, let's not trouble ourselves with any unusual muffled sound you may hear. Was that muffled? Sure, of course it was. Just know that it's all being done in the name of science. So, what happened at school today? I can tell something has upset you. You can tell me no matter what it is. I'm all ears. Okay, Dad. What is that all about? Oh, you mean the almost constant gas? Uh yeah, that would be it. My next great invention. You see, thanks to the success of home rule, I've been commissioned by the District of Columbia to devise a way to trap and capture household gases, namely flatulence, which, as we all know, is completely harmless, but uh harmless, but you were saying. But I contend that in large enough quantities with an ever-growing human population that the planet could face a detrimental impact to the environment. Therefore, I've devised a diaper. Uh diaper? A diaper that will not only capture and trap the nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and methane, which makes up the vast majority of human rectal gas, but also suppresses the sulfur compounds in said flatus. So not only will you not smell the flatulence, you will also not hear it.

SPEAKER_20:

Yeah, I'm gonna go on a limb and say at least part of your invention is not working.

SPEAKER_04:

Right. Well, that's the problem. The mechanism that is supposed to suppress the sound is instead amplifying it. Let me just do a quick reset. Okay, excellent. Should be smooth sailing now. And I'm sorry, son, none of this is important right now. You were upset, so let's talk.

SPEAKER_07:

Um I'm pretty sure I met the girl of my dreams today. I really think she's the one.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh, son. Well, you are growing up, and I guess we're getting near that time. But that doesn't sound like much of a problem at all. Seems you'd be jumping for joy. Well, that's the problem.

SPEAKER_07:

I don't know why we were having just a normal conversation when I when you what? Asked her to marry me.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh, Clayton. What made you ask her that, son? I don't know. The feeling just came over me. Well, I can certainly understand that. Trust me. But you just need to learn some impulse control, right? Uh-oh. What is it, Dad? Oh, nothing, son. Please continue. Is that what happened when you asked mom when you fell in love? The day I fell in love with her and the day I actually asked her to marry me were two very special, but also very different days. Both equally memorable in their own right. You know what? You should ask her for yourself. We can talk about it tonight when she gets home from work. I think hearing from a free meld's perspective is is just is just what is needed here. But but but I'll tell you this. When when the time is right, and and and it's with the right person. You won't even feel concerned that they'll reject you. It'll just become a celebration. Here, here, give me a hug.

SPEAKER_20:

Thanks, Dad. Um dad? Yes, son?

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, dad. I'm sorry to say, but the odor suppression isn't really working either. No.

SPEAKER_04:

No, it is not.

SPEAKER_12:

Back to 1981. Willie stands in the Kennan studio's back lot, hand on Talon's door handle, lost in a fond, if slightly malodorous, memory of his father. Suddenly, his reverie is cut short.

SPEAKER_16:

Mr. Topez! Yes, Captain Drummond from earlier, right? Yeah, one and the same. What can I do for you, Captain? Actually, it's what I think I can do for you. Interrogation of Mr. Mercy brought us to one name. Agale Lansing. Ever heard of that name before? No, who is she? Some studio exec runs a Netherland-based production company called uh Goadmorgan Studios. Goodenmorgan? Some up-and-coming hotshot production studio, and they were planning a hostile takeover of your entire movie.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, no chance of that now.

SPEAKER_16:

Actually, as I understand it, the set received significant damage. Let's say for at least the next week or so, the Rock Gatling production is completely shut down. And with the shutdown. The shoot is still vulnerable. Kiff, the director, explained contractually, you have to remain an active production. If there's a significant gap in filming around 72 hours, Canon Studios has the right to release the production and all its cast and crew.

SPEAKER_07:

Wow.

SPEAKER_17:

Hmm.

SPEAKER_16:

Hmm. Well, good luck.

SPEAKER_07:

Good work, Captain. I think I need my manager, Maury Stillman. Where in the hell is Excuse me, Mr. Topaz?

SPEAKER_19:

Where the hell did you come from? You almost got dropkicked, son. Sorry about that, sir. We're one of Maury's Stillman. Maury's Stillman? I believe he's mentioned that he keeps tabs on you at all times. Yes, he has mentioned that. You're one of them. Yes, sir. And he calls you Stillman. Yes. Because while we're keeping tabs, we keep so very silent. And so very still. Until today. Uh right. Uh yeah. Well, I heard you needed help. You'll find Mr. Stillman at the Brown Derby. He's having lunch. Or brunch. Let me ask you something.

SPEAKER_07:

Were you there when I was tied up with Lyric and left alone at the studio?

SPEAKER_19:

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_07:

And you didn't think to lend a helping hand back then?

SPEAKER_19:

That's a good point. A fair point. But no explanation. Oh shit. What is that? Behind you.

SPEAKER_12:

What? Willie turns toward danger but finds nothing. He turns back to face the stillman who is. I don't see anything. He's gone.

SPEAKER_07:

Damn that son of a bitch is good.

SPEAKER_12:

Back at the brown derby, beneath the warm glow of Art Deco Sconces and the low hum of Shobiz gossip, Rosie Stoneman puts the final flourish on her animated pitch, laying out her new business venture to the ever-skeptical older brother, Mark.

SPEAKER_08:

That's your plan. You might want to stick to stealing baloney, since that is what your pitch is full of.

SPEAKER_14:

Full of what? Baloney! Uh-huh. Well, we'll see about that. Oh chet! Wait, what happened? What are you going on about?

SPEAKER_08:

You just said oh shit. Did you chip a dude or something?

SPEAKER_14:

No, I said oh chet.

SPEAKER_08:

What the hell is a chet?

SPEAKER_13:

Mr. Stillman, an absolute pleasure. Wow. Yeah, huge fan. Put her there. Familiar with all your work. Yep, Chet Lasky, Esquire, at your service.

SPEAKER_08:

Whoa, whoa. Jeez. Give me warning next time. He almost had me drowning in my creamy corn bisque. That was some level of stealth. You ever want to become a stillman?

SPEAKER_13:

Let me know. I'm an attorney at law, Mr. Stillman, and stealth is one of my secret weapons. You see, you never want the opposing side to see it. Come in, am I right? Haha, am I right?

SPEAKER_14:

Maury, this is my boyfriend, Chet Glasky. Esquire.

SPEAKER_08:

Boyfriend?

SPEAKER_13:

Ah, that would be correct, sir. I've been courting your sister for some time now. She's my moncherie, if you'll forgive the expression. She is the keeper of my constellations, the hand that steadies mine, and my moonlit companion.

SPEAKER_03:

You do realize I'm still trying to eat here, huh? Excuse me, I noticed another guest has joined you. Sir, could I get you anything to drink?

SPEAKER_13:

Yeah, I'll uh take a horse feather straight. Uh, we don't serve a horse feather. Now, my good sir. Uh what, uh, what is your name?

SPEAKER_03:

Byron.

SPEAKER_13:

Brian! Have you ever heard the phrase the customer is always right? Me, the customer.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh, yes, sir.

SPEAKER_13:

Then go back there, fix up a mixture of whiskey and soda, and call it a horse feather and do it pronto. Many thanks, gratitudes, platitudes, and so forth. Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_08:

Hey, Chud, go easy on that kid. Looks like he's seen better days. Pretty sure those were third-degree burns. Eh, I'm thinking second degree, actually. You'll find any reason to argue with me, won't you, Rosebud?

SPEAKER_14:

I told you not to call me that, Maury Tailman.

SPEAKER_08:

Aw, don't you dare bring that up, Chet, my love.

SPEAKER_14:

Why don't you tell my much older brother why you're here?

SPEAKER_13:

Ah, yes, indeed, my darling. So, Mr. Stillman, is it okay if I call you Maury?

SPEAKER_11:

No. Beautiful, Maury. Now, I'm what you would call an estate attorney. I don't do criminal investigations or anything like that. I specialize in all manner of affairs Hue to Foreign Forked with that involve matters related to estate planning, wills, trusts, power of attorney designations, etc., and so on and so forth, and what have you? This means I know my way around a contract. A contract?

SPEAKER_08:

That just happens to be my specialty, too.

SPEAKER_13:

Ah, you see there, and just like that, we're the fastest of friends. Now, do I have just a humdinger of a contract in this here at the shake case that I'd like you to get your peepers on as soon as humanly possible? Mind if I pull up a chair? I do. Spectacular! Now, back to this just Magna Carta-worthy contract I've got drawn up here. One which I think you'll say may go down as one for the ages. I can imagine you. Oh, lounging back in your easy chair, open it up like a penthouse centerfold. But I'm getting ahead of myself anyway. Just gonna open up this Italian leather at that shake case and uh let me stop you there, Chip Chad, Lasky, Esquire.

SPEAKER_08:

Right, Chad. Listen, I'm still not understanding what in the hell Rosie is asking from me. I mean, what is the investment?

SPEAKER_13:

Oh, 100,000 percent, Morty. I'm hearing you loud and clear. Let me just say outright, this blonde beauty to my right has just come up with one hell of a plan. I'll start at the beginning to paint you a crystallus flowing spring picture for you, okay? So, step one.

SPEAKER_07:

There he's Morty, Morty Keith, Willie, how'd you guys find me? Oh, one of your stillmen told me.

SPEAKER_08:

They blew their cover? Ha ha, they're fired. Which one was it?

SPEAKER_07:

He didn't give me his name.

SPEAKER_08:

Was it the short, pasty one with the sideburns and the liver spots? Oh, uh oh, or or the red-headed bombshell with the sugar dimples and the yellow felt pajamas.

SPEAKER_07:

No, this one was lanky, sported a barely there mustache, red gym shorts, and a bag home over. Ah, I know the one.

SPEAKER_08:

You're finished, Curly. Finished, I say! So, uh, what can I do here for her? Oh, Marty, the Duchess! She is a thing to steal a brock gadley. Ah, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Did you say the Duchess? You've heard of her? Uh, only by reputation. But she's bad news. Really, the Duchess? Oh shit. What? You need some? Wait, what? Huh? No. Shut up, Jeff. Rosie, keep your boys trap shut for a minute, okay?

SPEAKER_14:

Well. Hello there, Willie. You remember me? Lover?

SPEAKER_07:

Hi, Rosie. Nice to see you as always.

SPEAKER_14:

Chat, sweetie. This is Willie Topaz. Soon to be big action heartthrob on billboards everywhere. We uh we used to be an item back in the day. Oh, as if.

SPEAKER_08:

Only in your dreams.

SPEAKER_14:

Well, maybe so. But then again, who could blame me? Am I right, Willie?

SPEAKER_07:

I mean, you're only human, Rosie.

SPEAKER_14:

Great to see you, Willie.

SPEAKER_08:

Okay, okay. Glad you both had your little reunion. Uh, I'll catch everyone up so we can move on. This is my younger sister, Rosie. She's visiting LA and was about to propose some new bonkers investment along with her main squeeze, uh, Shed Lightly Esquire here. Shed, actually, Esquire. Right, right. Uh Well, this is Willie Topez, star of the upcoming action movie Brock Gatling, and the film's director, Keith Maxon.

SPEAKER_13:

Maxon, Maxon, that name rings a bell. Of the uh Provisano gang from Sicily? Uh no, no, no, of course I'm not. I was born in Braind, DC. Oh, well, nevertheless, it's an absolute pleasure to meet you both, to be face to face with such cinematic royalty of what you are both mightily exalted, humbles me to my very core. Hey, uh, put her there, Chet Lasky. Esquire's the name.

SPEAKER_07:

Nice to meet you, Chimp.

SPEAKER_13:

Chet. It's Chet.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah, it's Chet. Job actually, Esquire. Ah, Chica Baski. Piageri De Conacetti.

SPEAKER_07:

Okay, so now that we've all gotten to know each other, shall we march on over to Guten Morgan studios and tell this Duchess to back off?

SPEAKER_08:

Wait a minute. Her stating she wants to take the Brock Gatling picture is like me stating I want to uh own the moon, three waffle houses, and the copyright to oxygen. Ain't happening, sweetheart.

SPEAKER_06:

Oh, but Maury, the Brockassette is a ruin. Motorovinato. We'll be shut down for a week, at least. Maybe even more.

SPEAKER_13:

Oh shit. Yep, I'm here. How can I help you? No.

SPEAKER_08:

Shut up, Jeff. Those son of a bitch corporate lawyers at Canon Studios. So it's true? Um, yeah, it's right there in the fine print of the contract. An inactivity clause. Any significant delay in production can give Canon Studios first right a refusal to shut the whole movie down.

SPEAKER_14:

Can they do that?

SPEAKER_13:

Yeah, well, absolutely, my sweet beach cobbler. It's a breach of contract. You see, the production is leasing the lot, so Canon Studios is making money while they shoot on the back lot. If they aren't shooting, then it can accrue a significant dollar amount that affects Canon Studios bottom line. Wow, you really know your stuff. Now, Mr. Topez, I uh I take it you have a pay or play deal. Uh, Maury? Pay or play all the way, and twice on Saturday. Excellent! So you are protected either way, Willie. But with the whole production at risk, the Duchess could buy up the Brock Gatling property, change the script, change the name.

SPEAKER_07:

Hell no. Brock Gatling is the best name of an action hero this side of John Rambo.

SPEAKER_13:

She could swallow that thing up and put that thing on the shelf for an eternity if she wanted to.

SPEAKER_06:

So we either figure out a way to start up with the production right away and to get the shooting before the 72 hours is up, or find dirt on this Duchess lady.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, even if we do find something on her, I doubt she's gonna let any of us in the building once she finds out who we are.

SPEAKER_03:

Here you go, Mr.

SPEAKER_13:

Lasky, Esquire, a horse feather. Thank you, my friend. Here's an extra dime for the effort. Now, uh, first things first, where's this Golden Morgan studio so we can figure out how to break in?

SPEAKER_03:

Wait, did you say Goadmorgan? Hold the phone! What do you know, kid? Well, I know that the lady running that studio is the devil incarnate.

SPEAKER_08:

Hey, easy. Those are big shoes to fill, and only one person can play that part. Huh? Never mind. Continue, kid.

SPEAKER_03:

You see these burns? I was a PA at Goademorgan Studios. Apparently, one in a series that she's bullied and abused. She asked for coffee. I brought her a coffee, just like she asked. Guess she didn't like the temperature or something, claimed it was lukewarm until she threw the whole cup at me.

SPEAKER_14:

Whew, guess it was hotter than she let on.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, you could say that. Anyway, I've been looking for payback ever since. And now I'm ready to collect. This is a good shit.

SPEAKER_06:

I wish I had something to write this down. Here you go, Mr. Maxon. Woo! Where did the you come from?

SPEAKER_08:

Out of the work of the wood? Damn it, Curly. Stop helping people. Observe and report only. You are so fired.

SPEAKER_07:

So, Brian. Byron. Sorry. Brian. Shit. Yeah, I'm here. No, I said shit. Huh? What is it? Byron. How can you help us help you with this?

SPEAKER_12:

Once a lowly production assistant, now a half-charred brown derby waiter. Byron produces a Magstripe keycard from his pocket like it's Xcaliber. The group stares at it, mystified by its presence. You want in? This is how.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, ladies and gentlemen, pack up. Because we're heading to the Netherlands.

SPEAKER_12:

By the Netherlands, he meant just off Hollywood line.

SPEAKER_08:

Whoa! They got some serious money rolling through this place. Gonna have our work cut out for us. You got the key card?

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, Brian, uh Iron handed it to me. I guess he didn't want to join the party. Nah, scared shitless to come back here. I cannot say I would blame him. And Curly, sorry. Sorry. One of your stillmen, they're in position? Well, how should I know? But if I can't see them, that means they're doing their job. So we just have to get into the Duchess's office, and Curly will do the rest.

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, some door under her desk. Premises loads of detrimental information.

SPEAKER_14:

Hmm. Chat, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, I don't want to risk your practice or your reputation or nothing.

SPEAKER_13:

Ah, look, my overstuffed punchky when it comes to contracts and signing a dotted line. I know my stuff. I don't want to see your brother take a raw deal, especially with both he and Willie's careers just starting to take off. Rock Gatlin deserves to get made and by the right studio back in it. I'm in like Flint. Hey, you're all right, Chet. Oh, I appreciate you saying that, dear Maury. Can I uh call you Maury? Still no. But you're growing on me.

SPEAKER_07:

Everyone, get into character. Someone's coming.

SPEAKER_22:

Hi, everyone. Miss Lansing will be with you soon. Can I get anyone some water or coffee?

SPEAKER_07:

Actually, if you have a moment, ma'am, let's talk coffee.

SPEAKER_12:

Gail Lansing, also known as the Duchess because Supreme Overlord of Petty Tyranny wouldn't fit onto business cards, lounges in her cavernous office, barking for her assistance, but receiving no reply.

SPEAKER_15:

Maj!

SPEAKER_22:

Marge! Yes, Miss Lansing? I'm so sorry. I got tied up. Leave me out of your personal affairs. But if you can't show up when I need you, I will just get some other bimbo who can. Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry. Well, do you have it? Have what, ma'am? You had 24 hours to come up with information on this uh movie director, uh Keith Maxson. Oh well, I didn't report on it yet because well, I can't find anything. It's like this man, Kith Maxon, doesn't exist. At least on paper. Oh now that is interesting. I started with a nosy little cat, but now I think it's time to upgrade to a full-blown sniffing dog. Good work. You may live another day. Yes, ma'am. Shall I send them in? Send who in? The team from Johnny's Coffee. They're your next appointment. Johnny's Coffee? Oh, that lukewarm coffee joint. What in the hell did they want? Apparently they were made aware of your displeasure with their coffee and wanted to make it right. I see. And are any of them cute? Oh, yes, ma'am. There's one. Very handsome. Tall. Strong. Oh, my opinion of Johnny's coffee is changing already. Give me a few minutes to touch up and then send them in. Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_12:

Just as Willie and the gang prep to pull a fast one on gale, a familiar voice slices through the lobby. Loud, unmistakable, and oozing that overconfident cologne-soaked energy. Even the office plants are horny. It's Balzac. Freddy Balzac.

SPEAKER_04:

Now, that little costume of yours won't fool a Balzac's eyes. I would recognize that musket, masculine, in scene anywhere, Mr. Topaz. Boy, what on earth are you wearing? And how soon can we get you out of it? Lord have mercy. Oh, Mr. Balzac, this is a pleasure. What are you doing here? Oh, I have my fingers in many pies, as they say. Especially those that are right out of the oven and piping hot. Mmm. And one of those pies is movie making? My appearance today is more politician than executive. I'm here to press the flesh and ensure that my interests are protected. I run a conduct company, you know. We're all about protection.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, sir, I feel it's my duty to share that if you're looking to get into the movie business, this is one pie you'd want to steer clear of.

SPEAKER_04:

You're asking a Balzac to pull out? I know. I don't say it lightly. Well, there is one way to sell this. Salem.

SPEAKER_12:

Enter Salem Mint. Yes, like the herb. But nothing about her is subtle. She's the kind of gorgeous that makes time give pause. Statuesque, sharp-eyed, and dressed like she just strutted out of a perfume commercial filmed in a thunderstorm. She's Freddie Ball's ex-niece, which explains the expensive shoes and total lack of visible shame. Freddie proudly ushers her into the room like he's unveiling a vintage sports car he's never allowed anyone to touch until now.

SPEAKER_02:

Hi there. Nice to meet you.

SPEAKER_07:

Um, Willie. Willie Topaz.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh, I know. This is my niece, Salem Mint. Pure as the driven snow, she is not. But if you're anything like me, and I think that you are, we prefer things that um melt versus those that freeze. Hmm. Salem, the pleasure is mine. Now, Salem, allow me to discuss business momentarily. Willie has informed me that your next movie should under no circumstances be produced under this roof. This is your career. So you tell me, what do you feel deep within?

SPEAKER_02:

I can tell Willie is a straight shooter and there's no beating around the bush. You just dive right in. Am I right?

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, that's that's right.

SPEAKER_02:

Then we shot my movie elsewhere. Thanks, Willie.

SPEAKER_12:

Salem leans in and kisses Willie's cheek. Her aromas and touch make his knees bubble.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, and here's my number. If you wanna get under the hood and talk shop.

SPEAKER_04:

Thanks. Until we meet again, my dear Mr. Toe Az. Please give my best to your manager, Mari, wherever it is that he may be. Salem, eyes on me. Eyes on me. Let's bounce, my dear.

unknown:

Hey.

SPEAKER_08:

Willie. Come back to me, man. You still with us?

SPEAKER_07:

Uh uh. Um, yeah. Damn, she's intoxicated. Wow. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree in that family. Damn. Okay, okay. Hey, why'd you let me handle that all by myself? Wow, Mr. Balzac seeing us both here in uniform would have aroused suspicion.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, it aroused something all right. Get together, my man. The fate of Brock Gatling is on the line, lest you forget. No, no, no, you're right. I'm ready.

SPEAKER_22:

She can see you now.

SPEAKER_12:

Men's Central Jail, Los Angeles. The lighting's bad, the smell's worse, and time moves like a density. Rhythm Mercy sits in holding, waiting for the universe to sort itself out, or at least cough up his lawyer when he hears it. Hey. What are you in for? Rhythm doesn't look at him. Not at first. Guys in here ask questions like that for only two reasons: curiosity or calculation. But the stranger persists.

SPEAKER_05:

Hey, I recognize you. You're an actor, right? From the movies? Sorry, I can't see you from behind the shadows. Oh, I'm no one significant, even in the light of day. I'm just a nobody. But I do know the movies and talent. So I say, what's a talented actor like you doing in here? I made a deal with the wrong kind, got me locked up in here. Well, it must have been a bad deal indeed to wind up in a place like this.

SPEAKER_12:

You know how it is in this town. Difficult to trust anyone that ain't got an angle to keep to themselves. Ah. And who did you want to do wrong? Some up-and-coming punk who seems destined to reap all the benefits this world has to offer, working on some lifeless derivative kiff maxim-directed action flick piece of trash. Probably make him a millionaire. Because the truth is, I'm not even sure how it got to this point. But I know exactly who put me here. And when I get out, he's gonna wish he hadn't.

SPEAKER_05:

Whoa, whoa, hold on. Wait a minute. You said Maxine? Kiff Maxon? Yeah, what of it? Hey, who are you? Name is Silvio. Silvio Provenzano. And if we're talking about the same Kif Maxon, well, I think you and I could be a real help to each other.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's a wrap on tonight's radical episode of Topaz and Stillman, an 80s adventure. Starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz. Jim Frank as Maury Stillman. Damon Allums as Rhythm Mercy. Mitch Leshinski as Chet Lasky Esquire and Audio Engineer. John Scott as Dallas Ames and Freddie Balzac. Samantha D'Souz as Gail Lanzing. Marissa Conway as Salem Mint and Margie. Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxon and Silvio Provenzano. Katie Joestock as Rosie Stillman. Lisa Stewart Labon as Cleo Ames. Rob Smith as Police Captain Drummond. Larry Oblander as Brown Derby Byron. Derek States as Curly the Stillman number one. Brendan Ray as Frank Melrose Johnson as deputy. You can find the full cast list in the show notes because yes, we actually wrote all that down. And don't touch that dial. Next time things get even more tubular in episode 6, Infant Terrible. That's French. Need more shoulder pads big enough to interfere with air traffic, sunglasses worn indoors at midnight, and those 2 a.m. fitness promos stirring a man named Flex McTunder who definitely wasn't certified. Trust me, I know. Support us at patreon.com forward slash shoestring TV and keep the chaos rolling. Or look for us anywhere you listen to podcasts. I'm Mike Cunningham saying, keep your Walkman blasting, your mullet hurricane proof, and your shoes extra jelly.

SPEAKER_04:

Thanks for listening. So not only will you not smell the flatulence, you will also not hear it.

SPEAKER_13:

Touch your pee pee to. I want you to touch your pee pee to it.

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