Chiaroscuro

Episode 5 – “Chiaroscuro”

The Lowdown

In this episode of Topaz & Stillman: An 80s Adventure, we jump between past and present as Maury’s first childhood deli heist with his kid sister Rosie sets the tone for a life of hustle—and trouble. In 1981, Willie and Lyric are literally tied together and accidentally abandoned on the Natyr Zane set just as Rhythm Mercy, posing as “Fire Marshal Eugene,” shuts down the Brock Gatling shoot with bogus safety violations, spectacular chaos, and a one-way ticket to jail.

With the production now at risk of being stolen by ruthless exec Gale “The Duchess” Lanzing and her powerful Dutch-backed studio, Willie, Maury, Kiff, Rosie, and slick attorney Chet Laskey team up for a desperate counterplay—armed with a stolen keycard, a tip from a burned ex–P.A., and an unexpected encounter with Freddie Balzac and his dangerously charming niece, Salem Minte. 

The Roll Call

• Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz 
• Jim Fronk as Maury Stillman & Fire Marshal Eugene (Real)
• Damon Alums as Rhythm Mercy & Fire Marshal Eugene (Fake)
• Mitch Leschinski as Chet Laskey, Esq. & Audio Engineer 
• Mike Cunningham as Show Announcer
• Shaun Scott as Freddie Balzac & Dallas Ames
• Marisa Conway as Salem Minte & Margie
• Diamandi Devereaux as Lyric Dorsey 
• Samantha DeSuze as Gale Lanzing 
• Katie Jostock as Rosie Stillman 
• Lisa Stewart LeBon as Cleo Ames 
• Leslie Grant as Abellonia Suni 
• Derek States as Curly (Stillman #1)
• Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxon, Robert (AD) & Silvio Provenzano
• Larry Oblander as Brown Derby Byron & Casting Director
• Brendan Wreay as Frank
• Eric Carlino as Dean (Producer)
• Robb Smith as Police Captain Drummond
• Melrose Johnson as Deputy

The Dream Team

• Executive Producers: Terry Briscoe & Jim Fronk
• Associate Producer: Andy Parkin

The Banger

"The Willie Strut" performed by Possum Bobby

• Producers: Robert Lloyd, John Pennington, Bob Harvey 
• Composer/All Guitars, Bass Guitar: Robert Lloyd
• Drums: Marcus Graham
• Post Production, Keyboards: John Pennington
• Recorded and Mixed at Fahrenheit Studio by Bob Harvey and John J.P. Pennington

The Game

• https://www.patreon.com/c/ShoestringTV
• https://youtube.com/@shoestringtv7048?si=js5A-O
• https://www.facebook.com/ShoestringTV/
• https://x.com/ShoestringTv
• https://www.tiktok.com/@shoestringtv?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc

Concept by Jim Fronk & Terry Briscoe

Created, written, directed & mixed by Jason Beard

Transcript

SPEAKER_12 0:22

A small brick deli sits on a corner. The faded awning reads Frank and Vinny's since 1939. A hand-painted sign in the window says, No loitering. That means you, Maury. Inside, a stocky clerk, Frank, 60s, suspicious mustache, glares at the door like it owes him money. A dusty TV in the corner plays a Cubs game. The shop is quiet. Too quiet. A lanky 14-year-old Maury Stoneman, slickback hair, too much swagger, peers around the corner like a kid raised on the sting. At his side is Rosie Stonem, Tim, wearing a cub's cap three sizes too big and eating a popsicle like it's part of her plan.

SPEAKER_15 1:08

All right, Rosie. You remember the plan?

SPEAKER_14 1:11

Yeah. Ice cream, you steal the meat.

SPEAKER_15 1:15

Not just meat. Prosciutto, Capacola. We're doing your maid this time. So, fancy jail food when we get caught. Think positive, kid. We're still bans. Drifts in the blood.

SPEAKER_14 1:29

Hey, don't call me kid. You're like three years older than me.

SPEAKER_15 1:33

Which makes me the brains of the operation.

SPEAKER_14 1:36

What does that make me? The muscle?

SPEAKER_15 1:38

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_08 1:39

If by muscle you mean a malnourished 10-year-old with black teeth.

SPEAKER_14 1:44

Oh, you're gonna pay for that one. I won't be paying for anything if you don't get into position.

SPEAKER_12 1:57

Rosie pushes the door open. The bell above jingles. Frank eyes are like a hawk that's already had a few run-ins with this bird.

unknown 2:06

No loitering.

SPEAKER_14 2:07

I ain't loitering. I'm browsing a fine selection of sandwich crafts.

SPEAKER_05 2:14

Why do I smell blue?

SPEAKER_12 2:17

Before he can answer his own question, Rosie lets out a blood-curgling scream.

SPEAKER_14 2:24

Rut! Rat! The size of a baby in a pickle barrel!

SPEAKER_12 2:28

Frank jolts into panic, knocking over a box of Twinkies as he runs to the back.

SPEAKER_16 2:35

Not again! Veddy, get the broom!

SPEAKER_12 2:39

As Frank disappears, Maury slides in like a practiced con artist, wearing sunglasses and carrying a brown paper bag like he's just here for milk.

SPEAKER_15 2:48

Speed, style, and salami.

SPEAKER_12 2:51

He zips behind the counter, grabbing sliced meats with the efficiency of a raccoon in a buffet. A single sausage drops with a thump. He freezes. Rosie peeks over the counter.

SPEAKER_14 3:04

You're slowing down, grandpa. It's the humidity.

SPEAKER_15 3:09

My reflexes get damp.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Where's the rat?

SPEAKER_14 3:17

But you get rid of the popsicle? What? This? No, this is a contendency plan. Contingency?

SPEAKER_15 3:25

Well, you better start continuency real fast.

SPEAKER_12 3:28

More in this. Rosie tosses her Google Pops popsicle like a smoke pop. Split on the floor. Then slips and hits the million with a loud oof. Rosie burst out of the front door. The two kids duck into a narrow alley. Maury triumphantly holding the bag of loot like a holy relic.

SPEAKER_14 4:01

You realize one day you're gonna try this and get caught, right?

SPEAKER_15 4:06

If I do, I'll just talk my way out of it. That's what I got this for.

SPEAKER_14 4:11

What? The gift of gab? Nah.

SPEAKER_12 4:15

Young Maury pulls from the bag a pack of Twinkies.

SPEAKER_15 4:20

Bribery, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 4:25

You ever pull off your first heist before you lost all your baby teeth? No? Well, that's what separates me from you and the rest of the civilian population. That was me and Rosie. Summer of 54. She screamed about a rat that didn't exist. I stole lunch meat like it was the crown jewels. And Frank the Deli guy developed a lifelong distrust of small children and half-eaten giggle pops. We weren't bad kids. We were just enterprising, resourceful, a little allergic to rules, also extremely hungry. Some kids had lemonade stands. We had a black market maloney operation. Oh god, I missed those days. Oh, and also that prosciutto was unreal. And there are things I don't miss at all.

SPEAKER_00 5:39

Shoestring TV proudly presents Topaz and Stillman, an 80s adventure, a shoestring TV production. Tonight is Episode 5, Chiroscaro, starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz and Jim Front as Maury Stillman. Concept by Jim Frunk and Terry Briscoe. Created, written, and directed by Jason Beard.

SPEAKER_12 6:32

Literally, and left behind as Rhythm Mercy, in full fire, Marshall Cosplay storms the production. With a clipboard full of bogus violations and the swagger of a man who once inspected a fog machine, he shut the whole movie down on safety concerns. None of which are even remotely real.

SPEAKER_07 6:51

Damn it, I guess they're really gone.

SPEAKER_18 6:54

I wonder if something happened. I mean, what if there is an emergency?

SPEAKER_07 6:58

Well, I hope someone realizes that we're MIA and comes looking for us. But if this is the end of the world, there's no one I'd rather be with.

SPEAKER_18 7:09

Oh, Willie, you've gotta stop being so sweet since we can't do anything about it.

SPEAKER_07 7:14

How can I stop? It's just who I am.

SPEAKER_18 7:19

Oh now you're laying it on a little thick. Over there in the corner. Do you see it?

SPEAKER_07 7:32

Where? It's very dark.

SPEAKER_18 7:34

Unless my eyes are playing tricks on me, I swear I see a battle axe.

SPEAKER_07 7:39

Uh yeah, I see it now. It can't be real, right? That has to be a prop.

SPEAKER_18 7:45

Unless you have a better idea, I don't think your charm alone is gonna cut this rope.

SPEAKER_07 7:50

No, no, you have a point. And so does that axe. A really sharp one. Now, how to get over there?

SPEAKER_18 7:58

I don't think the chairs are bolted to the floor. If I recall from prom, you have some rhythm. Follow my lead. On three. One, two, three. Okay, not bad. Not bad. Just get in a rhythm and repeat. Nice job. Yeah, we gained an amazing inch in progress. Every inch is progress.

SPEAKER_07 8:24

I just prefer not to do this for the next three hours.

SPEAKER_18 8:27

It's not how long it takes, it's the repetition.

SPEAKER_07 8:31

Are you trying to say that size doesn't matter?

SPEAKER_18 8:33

Willie.

SPEAKER_07 8:34

Did rhythm tell you that? Oh, now you'd be nice. Well, we can at least attempt to go faster. Hop up and down, quickly. Go.

SPEAKER_12 8:44

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the soundstage, deep backstage, nestled between fake walls, forgotten props into suspiciously large pile of sandbags. Rhythm Mercy, currently abusing his fake fire marshal credentials, catches sight of something that freezes his blood and boils it all at once. There, in a shadowy corner, are Willie and Lyric Dorsey, in very close proximity. Too close. Uncomfortably close. Their heads bobbing in perfect sync, rhythmically, suspiciously. There's sweat, there's breath, there's motion. It's either an impromptu CPR demonstration or something that could get flagged by network sensors. He reacts. Like a man possessed by chaos of cheap ladder fluid, he strikes a cigarette ladder and holds it high, like the statue of Petty Liberty right under the sprinkler. The ceiling explodes into a waterfall. Weeks fly. Someone's lunch floats by in a Tupperware coffin. Meanwhile, rhythm stands soaked to the bone. Grin locked in place like a drenched god of sabotage. While in his blind glow of moist triumph, he takes a clumsy step.

SPEAKER_09 10:07

I mean, I mean, it serves you right. What were you thinking?

SPEAKER_12 10:17

I thought I had caught my lady love in an extremely compromising position. From my vantage point, you would have done the same.

SPEAKER_10 10:24

Oh, uh yeah, a compromising position you created. They wouldn't have been left alone if you hadn't joined up with the Duchess.

SPEAKER_12 10:33

Well, the relationship between the Duchess and I would be short-lived.

SPEAKER_06 10:46

Is this the freak? Yes, yes, officer. This is the guy. Bastardo Puchardo.

SPEAKER_16 10:56

What's your name? Mama? Is is that you? Okay, he took a tour of the floor with his forehead, souvenir included.

SPEAKER_15 11:06

We found this, Captain. Looks like his real identification.

SPEAKER_16 11:10

Ah, Rhythm Mercy. Nice name. Definitely not Fire Marshal Eugene. No, no, I I am Eugene. You know how I know that, Mr. Mercy? Because this is Fire Marshal Eugene. Hi there. Get him out of here. Let Mr. Mercy rest his head in the holding pin.

SPEAKER_06 11:27

Hello?

unknown 11:28

Hello!

SPEAKER_16 11:29

Wheelie?

SPEAKER_06 11:30

Oh, my precious alabaster! I am a coming, Wheelie!

SPEAKER_12 11:34

Kiff and the police captain rush onto the neighbor's Ain set to find Willie and Lyric tied up and completely drenched.

SPEAKER_06 11:40

Ah, my man of marble. You are so uh vulnerable and uh and glistening right now. Um, are you all right?

SPEAKER_07 11:51

Yeah, Kif. We're fine. Just need to be untied. Can you help with that?

SPEAKER_06 11:56

Did that son of a bitch do this to you? Officers, please free him. Deputy, help cut them loose.

SPEAKER_18 12:03

Uh, what about me?

SPEAKER_06 12:05

Oh, yes, uh, free both of them, I guess. Let's go, boys.

SPEAKER_18 12:09

Thank you, Captain! Wait, Captain! Have you taken Mr. Mercy away yet?

SPEAKER_16 12:16

No. That freak show is standing right over there. But be warned, he's temporarily disconnected from the mothership. Took a nasty spill.

SPEAKER_12 12:27

Lyric walks over to Rhythm who remains dazed and did handcuffs. Willie follows closely behind her.

SPEAKER_18 12:33

I trusted you, Rhythm. Despite all the warnings from others, I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

SPEAKER_12 12:40

I'm sorry. But please, don't tell me that it's now you and him.

SPEAKER_18 12:50

Uh oh. You've lost the right to know. You aren't entitled to anything about me anymore. Goodbye, Rhythm.

SPEAKER_12 12:59

Lyric turns away and leaves the backstage locked. Willie and Rhythm now stare face to face. This isn't over, Mr. Topaz.

SPEAKER_07 13:10

Well, when you get out of jail, whenever that is, I'll be right here waiting for you. Until then, I got a movie to make. Captain, we're done here.

SPEAKER_06 13:21

Let's go, Mr. Mercy. Oh, Willie. That line. I wish I had been filming it. Now, now, you are not the only one who is.

SPEAKER_12 13:35

Willie steps into the front office of Canon Studios. Across the lobby, Lyric sits slumped in a vinyl chair, a damp towel draped over her shoulders like a surrender flag. She doesn't look up. She doesn't need to. And for the first time, Willie sees her not as this fierce starlet, but as someone who's just been through a war she didn't sign up for.

SPEAKER_07 14:00

You okay? Can I do anything for you?

SPEAKER_18 14:05

No. No, thank you, Willie. It means the world to me that you're here. My closest friend.

SPEAKER_07 14:13

Of course. I I mean, I'm here. Whatever you need.

SPEAKER_18 14:19

Then I hope you'll understand if I just ask for some space. I hope that doesn't sound harsh.

SPEAKER_07 14:28

Nope. No, I I understand. Just let's make a promise. We don't let too much time pass this time.

SPEAKER_18 14:38

I promise. Plus, I don't think KIF will let us spend too much time apart. Sounds like we will have some reshoots in our future. But until then, goodbye, Willie. For now.

SPEAKER_07 14:55

Bye, Lyric.

SPEAKER_06 14:56

Ah, amore non corresposto. The most delicious tragedy of all. There he stands. Willie Topez, a man made of the tightest fitting genes, and a desperate hope. And there she sits, Lyric Dorsi, stripping in regret, and studio-issue towels. Oh, he loves her like a man loves a forbidden biscotti. Fragile, sweet, and already claimed by another's mouth. But Fate. Ah, Fate is a cruel screenwriter, yes. She gives them a chemistry. But no shared calendar. Even as he walks away for the final time, shoulders are slumped like an underbudget crane rig. We feel it. That egg. That moan stuck in the chest. Because unspoken love, my friends, is like a deleted scene. Beautiful, pointless, and everyone's a favorite. I am so sorry, my friend. Perhaps it is time to truly move on. Yes? And uh maybe to set your sights uh elsewhere.

SPEAKER_12 16:11

Willie takes heed of that advice, but not by moving forward, but rather by peering backwards into the past, to the very beginning of his love affair with Lyric. Back to the time she first broke his heart. Dunbar High School, Washington, D.C., early 1970s, where bell bottoms roamed free and the ledge room spaghetti had the consistency of damp regret. 17-year-old Clayton Ames, future action movie hero, was just another teen in line, eyes on the prize. Salisbury steak, lukewarm peas, and a treasured carton of chocolate milk. But fate, that slippery cafeteria witch, had other plans.

SPEAKER_01 16:57

Oops, sorry. Hi, I'm Lyric. Sorry about your milk. Aren't you able to say something? Um, is it uh sorry for saying so, but are those braces?

SPEAKER_20 17:24

Um well, um my dad invented these Ames mandibles by Ames Innovation, masterminding and designing since 1935, copyright 1964, 14 utility patents pending.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

So is that a yes?

SPEAKER_20 17:47

Uh uh, yeah, that's a yes. Good one.

SPEAKER_01 17:50

Okay. So uh do I get to learn your name? Or will I just call you Mr. Mandibles?

SPEAKER_20 17:58

Uh oh, me? Clayton. Clayton Ames.

SPEAKER_01 18:02

Nice to meet you, Clayton.

SPEAKER_20 18:04

Um will you marry me?

SPEAKER_12 18:15

What you gross young Clayton is so overcome with embarrassment and humiliation that he drops his tray of food and races out of the cafeteria. Tears burst from his eyes as he leaves the school grounds. This would last for another 28 minutes as he ran all the way home. Through the front door of his house and into his bedroom where he collapses face down in the bed.

SPEAKER_21 19:00

Was that Clayton? What's that, dear? Our son is home from school? He is, but it's only 11 a.m. My loving husband, Dallas Ames. Do I even want to know what it is you're doing in the bathroom right now?

SPEAKER_04 19:18

Um, probably not. But I can assure you it is for the greater good of all mankind.

SPEAKER_21 19:25

Mm-hmm. Well, can you pause helping mankind to go see what is troubling our son?

SPEAKER_04 19:31

Now, my darling dove, you know I'd do anything for you and Clayton. But this may be at the most inopportune time.

SPEAKER_21 19:40

Dallas, I have to get back to school. I just came here to pick up my lunch and then heading right back to work. Need you to handle this one. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 19:49

Okay. I'll be out in just a few minutes. Son, what's wrong? Why aren't you in school? I uh I I don't want to talk about it. Is it the Ames mandibles? Did someone make fun of you? No, surprisingly. Although I wouldn't mind just moving to regular braces. Nonsense. The mandibles will correct your teeth in half the time. Okay, Dad, if you say so. Now, son, you know you can talk to me about anything. Whoa, Dad, did you Oh, son, let's not trouble ourselves with any unusual muffled sound you may hear. Was that muffled? Sure, of course it was. Just know that it's all being done in the name of science. So, what happened at school today? I can tell something has upset you. You can tell me no matter what it is. I'm all ears. Okay, Dad. What is that all about? Oh, you mean the almost constant gas? Uh yeah, that would be it. My next great invention. You see, thanks to the success of home rule, I've been commissioned by the District of Columbia to devise a way to trap and capture household gases, namely flatulence, which, as we all know, is completely harmless, but uh harmless, but you were saying. But I contend that in large enough quantities with an ever-growing human population that the planet could face a detrimental impact to the environment. Therefore, I've devised a diaper. Uh diaper? A diaper that will not only capture and trap the nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and methane, which makes up the vast majority of human rectal gas, but also suppresses the sulfur compounds in said flatus. So not only will you not smell the flatulence, you will also not hear it.

SPEAKER_20 22:03

Yeah, I'm gonna go on a limb and say at least part of your invention is not working.

SPEAKER_04 22:10

Right. Well, that's the problem. The mechanism that is supposed to suppress the sound is instead amplifying it. Let me just do a quick reset. Okay, excellent. Should be smooth sailing now. And I'm sorry, son, none of this is important right now. You were upset, so let's talk.

SPEAKER_07 22:32

Um I'm pretty sure I met the girl of my dreams today. I really think she's the one.

SPEAKER_04 22:40

Oh, son. Well, you are growing up, and I guess we're getting near that time. But that doesn't sound like much of a problem at all. Seems you'd be jumping for joy. Well, that's the problem.

SPEAKER_07 22:55

I don't know why we were having just a normal conversation when I when you what? Asked her to marry me.

SPEAKER_04 23:08

Oh, Clayton. What made you ask her that, son? I don't know. The feeling just came over me. Well, I can certainly understand that. Trust me. But you just need to learn some impulse control, right? Uh-oh. What is it, Dad? Oh, nothing, son. Please continue. Is that what happened when you asked mom when you fell in love? The day I fell in love with her and the day I actually asked her to marry me were two very special, but also very different days. Both equally memorable in their own right. You know what? You should ask her for yourself. We can talk about it tonight when she gets home from work. I think hearing from a free meld's perspective is is just is just what is needed here. But but but I'll tell you this. When when the time is right, and and and it's with the right person. You won't even feel concerned that they'll reject you. It'll just become a celebration. Here, here, give me a hug.

SPEAKER_20 24:39

Thanks, Dad. Um dad? Yes, son?

SPEAKER_07 24:46

Yeah, dad. I'm sorry to say, but the odor suppression isn't really working either. No.

SPEAKER_04 24:56

No, it is not.

SPEAKER_12 25:00

Back to 1981. Willie stands in the Kennan studio's back lot, hand on Talon's door handle, lost in a fond, if slightly malodorous, memory of his father. Suddenly, his reverie is cut short.

SPEAKER_16 25:12

Mr. Topez! Yes, Captain Drummond from earlier, right? Yeah, one and the same. What can I do for you, Captain? Actually, it's what I think I can do for you. Interrogation of Mr. Mercy brought us to one name. Agale Lansing. Ever heard of that name before? No, who is she? Some studio exec runs a Netherland-based production company called uh Goadmorgan Studios. Goodenmorgan? Some up-and-coming hotshot production studio, and they were planning a hostile takeover of your entire movie.

SPEAKER_07 25:46

Well, no chance of that now.

SPEAKER_16 25:48

Actually, as I understand it, the set received significant damage. Let's say for at least the next week or so, the Rock Gatling production is completely shut down. And with the shutdown. The shoot is still vulnerable. Kiff, the director, explained contractually, you have to remain an active production. If there's a significant gap in filming around 72 hours, Canon Studios has the right to release the production and all its cast and crew.

SPEAKER_07 26:17

Wow.

SPEAKER_17 26:28

Hmm.

SPEAKER_16 26:28

Hmm. Well, good luck.

SPEAKER_07 26:34

Good work, Captain. I think I need my manager, Maury Stillman. Where in the hell is Excuse me, Mr. Topaz?

SPEAKER_19 26:46

Where the hell did you come from? You almost got dropkicked, son. Sorry about that, sir. We're one of Maury's Stillman. Maury's Stillman? I believe he's mentioned that he keeps tabs on you at all times. Yes, he has mentioned that. You're one of them. Yes, sir. And he calls you Stillman. Yes. Because while we're keeping tabs, we keep so very silent. And so very still. Until today. Uh right. Uh yeah. Well, I heard you needed help. You'll find Mr. Stillman at the Brown Derby. He's having lunch. Or brunch. Let me ask you something.

SPEAKER_07 27:28

Were you there when I was tied up with Lyric and left alone at the studio?

SPEAKER_19 27:31

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_07 27:32

And you didn't think to lend a helping hand back then?

SPEAKER_19 27:34

That's a good point. A fair point. But no explanation. Oh shit. What is that? Behind you.

SPEAKER_12 27:42

What? Willie turns toward danger but finds nothing. He turns back to face the stillman who is. I don't see anything. He's gone.

SPEAKER_07 27:53

Damn that son of a bitch is good.

SPEAKER_12 28:05

Back at the brown derby, beneath the warm glow of Art Deco Sconces and the low hum of Shobiz gossip, Rosie Stoneman puts the final flourish on her animated pitch, laying out her new business venture to the ever-skeptical older brother, Mark.

SPEAKER_08 28:19

That's your plan. You might want to stick to stealing baloney, since that is what your pitch is full of.

SPEAKER_14 28:27

Full of what? Baloney! Uh-huh. Well, we'll see about that. Oh chet! Wait, what happened? What are you going on about?

SPEAKER_08 28:36

You just said oh shit. Did you chip a dude or something?

SPEAKER_14 28:40

No, I said oh chet.

SPEAKER_08 28:43

What the hell is a chet?

SPEAKER_13 28:44

Mr. Stillman, an absolute pleasure. Wow. Yeah, huge fan. Put her there. Familiar with all your work. Yep, Chet Lasky, Esquire, at your service.

SPEAKER_08 28:52

Whoa, whoa. Jeez. Give me warning next time. He almost had me drowning in my creamy corn bisque. That was some level of stealth. You ever want to become a stillman?

SPEAKER_13 29:04

Let me know. I'm an attorney at law, Mr. Stillman, and stealth is one of my secret weapons. You see, you never want the opposing side to see it. Come in, am I right? Haha, am I right?

SPEAKER_14 29:14

Maury, this is my boyfriend, Chet Glasky. Esquire.

SPEAKER_08 29:22

Boyfriend?

SPEAKER_13 29:23

Ah, that would be correct, sir. I've been courting your sister for some time now. She's my moncherie, if you'll forgive the expression. She is the keeper of my constellations, the hand that steadies mine, and my moonlit companion.

SPEAKER_03 29:38

You do realize I'm still trying to eat here, huh? Excuse me, I noticed another guest has joined you. Sir, could I get you anything to drink?

SPEAKER_13 29:47

Yeah, I'll uh take a horse feather straight. Uh, we don't serve a horse feather. Now, my good sir. Uh what, uh, what is your name?

SPEAKER_03 29:57

Byron.

SPEAKER_13 29:57

Brian! Have you ever heard the phrase the customer is always right? Me, the customer.

SPEAKER_03 30:03

Uh, yes, sir.

SPEAKER_13 30:04

Then go back there, fix up a mixture of whiskey and soda, and call it a horse feather and do it pronto. Many thanks, gratitudes, platitudes, and so forth. Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_08 30:14

Hey, Chud, go easy on that kid. Looks like he's seen better days. Pretty sure those were third-degree burns. Eh, I'm thinking second degree, actually. You'll find any reason to argue with me, won't you, Rosebud?

SPEAKER_14 30:28

I told you not to call me that, Maury Tailman.

SPEAKER_08 30:34

Aw, don't you dare bring that up, Chet, my love.

SPEAKER_14 30:40

Why don't you tell my much older brother why you're here?

SPEAKER_13 30:46

Ah, yes, indeed, my darling. So, Mr. Stillman, is it okay if I call you Maury?

SPEAKER_11 30:53

No. Beautiful, Maury. Now, I'm what you would call an estate attorney. I don't do criminal investigations or anything like that. I specialize in all manner of affairs Hue to Foreign Forked with that involve matters related to estate planning, wills, trusts, power of attorney designations, etc., and so on and so forth, and what have you? This means I know my way around a contract. A contract?

SPEAKER_08 31:19

That just happens to be my specialty, too.

SPEAKER_13 31:22

Ah, you see there, and just like that, we're the fastest of friends. Now, do I have just a humdinger of a contract in this here at the shake case that I'd like you to get your peepers on as soon as humanly possible? Mind if I pull up a chair? I do. Spectacular! Now, back to this just Magna Carta-worthy contract I've got drawn up here. One which I think you'll say may go down as one for the ages. I can imagine you. Oh, lounging back in your easy chair, open it up like a penthouse centerfold. But I'm getting ahead of myself anyway. Just gonna open up this Italian leather at that shake case and uh let me stop you there, Chip Chad, Lasky, Esquire.

SPEAKER_08 32:05

Right, Chad. Listen, I'm still not understanding what in the hell Rosie is asking from me. I mean, what is the investment?

SPEAKER_13 32:14

Oh, 100,000 percent, Morty. I'm hearing you loud and clear. Let me just say outright, this blonde beauty to my right has just come up with one hell of a plan. I'll start at the beginning to paint you a crystallus flowing spring picture for you, okay? So, step one.

SPEAKER_07 32:30

There he's Morty, Morty Keith, Willie, how'd you guys find me? Oh, one of your stillmen told me.

SPEAKER_08 32:38

They blew their cover? Ha ha, they're fired. Which one was it?

SPEAKER_07 32:43

He didn't give me his name.

SPEAKER_08 32:44

Was it the short, pasty one with the sideburns and the liver spots? Oh, uh oh, or or the red-headed bombshell with the sugar dimples and the yellow felt pajamas.

SPEAKER_07 32:54

No, this one was lanky, sported a barely there mustache, red gym shorts, and a bag home over. Ah, I know the one.

SPEAKER_08 33:03

You're finished, Curly. Finished, I say! So, uh, what can I do here for her? Oh, Marty, the Duchess! She is a thing to steal a brock gadley. Ah, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Did you say the Duchess? You've heard of her? Uh, only by reputation. But she's bad news. Really, the Duchess? Oh shit. What? You need some? Wait, what? Huh? No. Shut up, Jeff. Rosie, keep your boys trap shut for a minute, okay?

SPEAKER_14 33:42

Well. Hello there, Willie. You remember me? Lover?

SPEAKER_07 33:49

Hi, Rosie. Nice to see you as always.

SPEAKER_14 33:52

Chat, sweetie. This is Willie Topaz. Soon to be big action heartthrob on billboards everywhere. We uh we used to be an item back in the day. Oh, as if.

SPEAKER_08 34:05

Only in your dreams.

SPEAKER_14 34:07

Well, maybe so. But then again, who could blame me? Am I right, Willie?

SPEAKER_07 34:13

I mean, you're only human, Rosie.

SPEAKER_14 34:17

Great to see you, Willie.

SPEAKER_08 34:19

Okay, okay. Glad you both had your little reunion. Uh, I'll catch everyone up so we can move on. This is my younger sister, Rosie. She's visiting LA and was about to propose some new bonkers investment along with her main squeeze, uh, Shed Lightly Esquire here. Shed, actually, Esquire. Right, right. Uh Well, this is Willie Topez, star of the upcoming action movie Brock Gatling, and the film's director, Keith Maxon.

SPEAKER_13 34:51

Maxon, Maxon, that name rings a bell. Of the uh Provisano gang from Sicily? Uh no, no, no, of course I'm not. I was born in Braind, DC. Oh, well, nevertheless, it's an absolute pleasure to meet you both, to be face to face with such cinematic royalty of what you are both mightily exalted, humbles me to my very core. Hey, uh, put her there, Chet Lasky. Esquire's the name.

SPEAKER_07 35:15

Nice to meet you, Chimp.

SPEAKER_13 35:16

Chet. It's Chet.

SPEAKER_06 35:18

Yeah, it's Chet. Job actually, Esquire. Ah, Chica Baski. Piageri De Conacetti.

SPEAKER_07 35:26

Okay, so now that we've all gotten to know each other, shall we march on over to Guten Morgan studios and tell this Duchess to back off?

SPEAKER_08 35:34

Wait a minute. Her stating she wants to take the Brock Gatling picture is like me stating I want to uh own the moon, three waffle houses, and the copyright to oxygen. Ain't happening, sweetheart.

SPEAKER_06 35:49

Oh, but Maury, the Brockassette is a ruin. Motorovinato. We'll be shut down for a week, at least. Maybe even more.

SPEAKER_13 35:59

Oh shit. Yep, I'm here. How can I help you? No.

SPEAKER_08 36:02

Shut up, Jeff. Those son of a bitch corporate lawyers at Canon Studios. So it's true? Um, yeah, it's right there in the fine print of the contract. An inactivity clause. Any significant delay in production can give Canon Studios first right a refusal to shut the whole movie down.

SPEAKER_14 36:24

Can they do that?

SPEAKER_13 36:26

Yeah, well, absolutely, my sweet beach cobbler. It's a breach of contract. You see, the production is leasing the lot, so Canon Studios is making money while they shoot on the back lot. If they aren't shooting, then it can accrue a significant dollar amount that affects Canon Studios bottom line. Wow, you really know your stuff. Now, Mr. Topez, I uh I take it you have a pay or play deal. Uh, Maury? Pay or play all the way, and twice on Saturday. Excellent! So you are protected either way, Willie. But with the whole production at risk, the Duchess could buy up the Brock Gatling property, change the script, change the name.

SPEAKER_07 37:08

Hell no. Brock Gatling is the best name of an action hero this side of John Rambo.

SPEAKER_13 37:13

She could swallow that thing up and put that thing on the shelf for an eternity if she wanted to.

SPEAKER_06 37:17

So we either figure out a way to start up with the production right away and to get the shooting before the 72 hours is up, or find dirt on this Duchess lady.

SPEAKER_07 37:26

Well, even if we do find something on her, I doubt she's gonna let any of us in the building once she finds out who we are.

SPEAKER_03 37:33

Here you go, Mr.

SPEAKER_13 37:34

Lasky, Esquire, a horse feather. Thank you, my friend. Here's an extra dime for the effort. Now, uh, first things first, where's this Golden Morgan studio so we can figure out how to break in?

SPEAKER_03 37:49

Wait, did you say Goadmorgan? Hold the phone! What do you know, kid? Well, I know that the lady running that studio is the devil incarnate.

SPEAKER_08 37:58

Hey, easy. Those are big shoes to fill, and only one person can play that part. Huh? Never mind. Continue, kid.

SPEAKER_03 38:07

You see these burns? I was a PA at Goademorgan Studios. Apparently, one in a series that she's bullied and abused. She asked for coffee. I brought her a coffee, just like she asked. Guess she didn't like the temperature or something, claimed it was lukewarm until she threw the whole cup at me.

SPEAKER_14 38:25

Whew, guess it was hotter than she let on.

SPEAKER_03 38:29

Yeah, you could say that. Anyway, I've been looking for payback ever since. And now I'm ready to collect. This is a good shit.

SPEAKER_06 38:37

I wish I had something to write this down. Here you go, Mr. Maxon. Woo! Where did the you come from?

SPEAKER_08 38:47

Out of the work of the wood? Damn it, Curly. Stop helping people. Observe and report only. You are so fired.

SPEAKER_07 38:56

So, Brian. Byron. Sorry. Brian. Shit. Yeah, I'm here. No, I said shit. Huh? What is it? Byron. How can you help us help you with this?

SPEAKER_12 39:09

Once a lowly production assistant, now a half-charred brown derby waiter. Byron produces a Magstripe keycard from his pocket like it's Xcaliber. The group stares at it, mystified by its presence. You want in? This is how.

SPEAKER_07 39:24

Well, ladies and gentlemen, pack up. Because we're heading to the Netherlands.

SPEAKER_12 39:30

By the Netherlands, he meant just off Hollywood line.

SPEAKER_08 39:40

Whoa! They got some serious money rolling through this place. Gonna have our work cut out for us. You got the key card?

SPEAKER_07 39:48

Yeah, Brian, uh Iron handed it to me. I guess he didn't want to join the party. Nah, scared shitless to come back here. I cannot say I would blame him. And Curly, sorry. Sorry. One of your stillmen, they're in position? Well, how should I know? But if I can't see them, that means they're doing their job. So we just have to get into the Duchess's office, and Curly will do the rest.

SPEAKER_08 40:11

Yeah, some door under her desk. Premises loads of detrimental information.

SPEAKER_14 40:18

Hmm. Chat, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, I don't want to risk your practice or your reputation or nothing.

SPEAKER_13 40:26

Ah, look, my overstuffed punchky when it comes to contracts and signing a dotted line. I know my stuff. I don't want to see your brother take a raw deal, especially with both he and Willie's careers just starting to take off. Rock Gatlin deserves to get made and by the right studio back in it. I'm in like Flint. Hey, you're all right, Chet. Oh, I appreciate you saying that, dear Maury. Can I uh call you Maury? Still no. But you're growing on me.

SPEAKER_07 40:53

Everyone, get into character. Someone's coming.

SPEAKER_22 40:57

Hi, everyone. Miss Lansing will be with you soon. Can I get anyone some water or coffee?

SPEAKER_07 41:06

Actually, if you have a moment, ma'am, let's talk coffee.

SPEAKER_12 41:12

Gail Lansing, also known as the Duchess because Supreme Overlord of Petty Tyranny wouldn't fit onto business cards, lounges in her cavernous office, barking for her assistance, but receiving no reply.

SPEAKER_15 41:25

Maj!

SPEAKER_22 41:27

Marge! Yes, Miss Lansing? I'm so sorry. I got tied up. Leave me out of your personal affairs. But if you can't show up when I need you, I will just get some other bimbo who can. Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry. Well, do you have it? Have what, ma'am? You had 24 hours to come up with information on this uh movie director, uh Keith Maxson. Oh well, I didn't report on it yet because well, I can't find anything. It's like this man, Kith Maxon, doesn't exist. At least on paper. Oh now that is interesting. I started with a nosy little cat, but now I think it's time to upgrade to a full-blown sniffing dog. Good work. You may live another day. Yes, ma'am. Shall I send them in? Send who in? The team from Johnny's Coffee. They're your next appointment. Johnny's Coffee? Oh, that lukewarm coffee joint. What in the hell did they want? Apparently they were made aware of your displeasure with their coffee and wanted to make it right. I see. And are any of them cute? Oh, yes, ma'am. There's one. Very handsome. Tall. Strong. Oh, my opinion of Johnny's coffee is changing already. Give me a few minutes to touch up and then send them in. Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_12 43:13

Just as Willie and the gang prep to pull a fast one on gale, a familiar voice slices through the lobby. Loud, unmistakable, and oozing that overconfident cologne-soaked energy. Even the office plants are horny. It's Balzac. Freddy Balzac.

SPEAKER_04 43:32

Now, that little costume of yours won't fool a Balzac's eyes. I would recognize that musket, masculine, in scene anywhere, Mr. Topaz. Boy, what on earth are you wearing? And how soon can we get you out of it? Lord have mercy. Oh, Mr. Balzac, this is a pleasure. What are you doing here? Oh, I have my fingers in many pies, as they say. Especially those that are right out of the oven and piping hot. Mmm. And one of those pies is movie making? My appearance today is more politician than executive. I'm here to press the flesh and ensure that my interests are protected. I run a conduct company, you know. We're all about protection.

SPEAKER_07 44:32

Well, sir, I feel it's my duty to share that if you're looking to get into the movie business, this is one pie you'd want to steer clear of.

SPEAKER_04 44:41

You're asking a Balzac to pull out? I know. I don't say it lightly. Well, there is one way to sell this. Salem.

SPEAKER_12 44:59

Enter Salem Mint. Yes, like the herb. But nothing about her is subtle. She's the kind of gorgeous that makes time give pause. Statuesque, sharp-eyed, and dressed like she just strutted out of a perfume commercial filmed in a thunderstorm. She's Freddie Ball's ex-niece, which explains the expensive shoes and total lack of visible shame. Freddie proudly ushers her into the room like he's unveiling a vintage sports car he's never allowed anyone to touch until now.

SPEAKER_02 45:28

Hi there. Nice to meet you.

SPEAKER_07 45:31

Um, Willie. Willie Topaz.

SPEAKER_04 45:37

Oh, I know. This is my niece, Salem Mint. Pure as the driven snow, she is not. But if you're anything like me, and I think that you are, we prefer things that um melt versus those that freeze. Hmm. Salem, the pleasure is mine. Now, Salem, allow me to discuss business momentarily. Willie has informed me that your next movie should under no circumstances be produced under this roof. This is your career. So you tell me, what do you feel deep within?

SPEAKER_02 46:21

I can tell Willie is a straight shooter and there's no beating around the bush. You just dive right in. Am I right?

SPEAKER_07 46:33

Yeah, that's that's right.

SPEAKER_02 46:36

Then we shot my movie elsewhere. Thanks, Willie.

SPEAKER_12 46:47

Salem leans in and kisses Willie's cheek. Her aromas and touch make his knees bubble.

SPEAKER_02 46:54

Oh, and here's my number. If you wanna get under the hood and talk shop.

SPEAKER_04 47:04

Thanks. Until we meet again, my dear Mr. Toe Az. Please give my best to your manager, Mari, wherever it is that he may be. Salem, eyes on me. Eyes on me. Let's bounce, my dear.

unknown 47:24

Hey.

SPEAKER_08 47:26

Willie. Come back to me, man. You still with us?

SPEAKER_07 47:32

Uh uh. Um, yeah. Damn, she's intoxicated. Wow. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree in that family. Damn. Okay, okay. Hey, why'd you let me handle that all by myself? Wow, Mr. Balzac seeing us both here in uniform would have aroused suspicion.

SPEAKER_08 47:53

Oh, it aroused something all right. Get together, my man. The fate of Brock Gatling is on the line, lest you forget. No, no, no, you're right. I'm ready.

SPEAKER_22 48:13

She can see you now.

SPEAKER_12 48:27

Men's Central Jail, Los Angeles. The lighting's bad, the smell's worse, and time moves like a density. Rhythm Mercy sits in holding, waiting for the universe to sort itself out, or at least cough up his lawyer when he hears it. Hey. What are you in for? Rhythm doesn't look at him. Not at first. Guys in here ask questions like that for only two reasons: curiosity or calculation. But the stranger persists.

SPEAKER_05 49:01

Hey, I recognize you. You're an actor, right? From the movies? Sorry, I can't see you from behind the shadows. Oh, I'm no one significant, even in the light of day. I'm just a nobody. But I do know the movies and talent. So I say, what's a talented actor like you doing in here? I made a deal with the wrong kind, got me locked up in here. Well, it must have been a bad deal indeed to wind up in a place like this.

SPEAKER_12 49:32

You know how it is in this town. Difficult to trust anyone that ain't got an angle to keep to themselves. Ah. And who did you want to do wrong? Some up-and-coming punk who seems destined to reap all the benefits this world has to offer, working on some lifeless derivative kiff maxim-directed action flick piece of trash. Probably make him a millionaire. Because the truth is, I'm not even sure how it got to this point. But I know exactly who put me here. And when I get out, he's gonna wish he hadn't.

SPEAKER_05 50:05

Whoa, whoa, hold on. Wait a minute. You said Maxine? Kiff Maxon? Yeah, what of it? Hey, who are you? Name is Silvio. Silvio Provenzano. And if we're talking about the same Kif Maxon, well, I think you and I could be a real help to each other.

SPEAKER_00 50:42

And that's a wrap on tonight's radical episode of Topaz and Stillman, an 80s adventure. Starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz. Jim Frank as Maury Stillman. Damon Allums as Rhythm Mercy. Mitch Leshinski as Chet Lasky Esquire and Audio Engineer. John Scott as Dallas Ames and Freddie Balzac. Samantha D'Souz as Gail Lanzing. Marissa Conway as Salem Mint and Margie. Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxon and Silvio Provenzano. Katie Joestock as Rosie Stillman. Lisa Stewart Labon as Cleo Ames. Rob Smith as Police Captain Drummond. Larry Oblander as Brown Derby Byron. Derek States as Curly the Stillman number one. Brendan Ray as Frank Melrose Johnson as deputy. You can find the full cast list in the show notes because yes, we actually wrote all that down. And don't touch that dial. Next time things get even more tubular in episode 6, Infant Terrible. That's French. Need more shoulder pads big enough to interfere with air traffic, sunglasses worn indoors at midnight, and those 2 a.m. fitness promos stirring a man named Flex McTunder who definitely wasn't certified. Trust me, I know. Support us at patreon.com forward slash shoestring TV and keep the chaos rolling. Or look for us anywhere you listen to podcasts. I'm Mike Cunningham saying, keep your Walkman blasting, your mullet hurricane proof, and your shoes extra jelly.

SPEAKER_04 52:20

Thanks for listening. So not only will you not smell the flatulence, you will also not hear it.

SPEAKER_13 52:43

Touch your pee pee to. I want you to touch your pee pee to it.